Abandonment
by TheSecretWriter-1234
Summary: Nobody ever stayed, they all left at some point. Sophie was my best freind but some day we'd part. Because I was Crazy Carmen who hears voices in her head, has cuts and scars all along her arms, and practically lives in a mental hospital. So I met Seth at a party.. He made me feel safe.. but nobody ever stays. So why would he? *Starts from chapter 24 of "Silent Love", Read first*
1. Trying to be Normal

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

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Chapter 1: Trying to be Normal.

I've never felt normal. A normal girl at a normal party. Guys like Seth don't usually talk to me. People aren't usually nice to me like Sophie is.

"Here you go" He handed me another drink, slightly frowning.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, looking down at my drink too, I didn't dare look into his eyes, I'd freeze up. Eye contact makes me nervous. Well it was easier now with Sophie, sometimes I felt like she understood me.

" I just don't like alcohol." He said, but smiled again. "So how do you know Sophie?" He asked, making conversation. Okay, I was going to attempt be normal. But he asked the one question that had a not so normal answer.

"Oh.. Um.. I-I" Oh no, now I sound stupid. "Well, see I met her in the hospital, I was her roommate." I said playing with the sleeve of my cardigan. I've actually never been to the reservation before, but I could see a few familiar faces from my old school.

_Way to look "normal"._ My inner voice teased me.

"Oh.. What's it like" He asked curiously, my head snapped up in surprise, and I checked his face for any sign of him judging. I'd think he wouldn't bother with me after that answer. Nobody does. Not even my parent's bothered with their insane child. They were always busy busy busy with work and I don't even think they knew how lonely I felt. If they had just listened before deciding I needed help.

"It's boring and the food isn't that great." I wrinkled my nose, and my eye's widened a bit. I hadn't sounded carefree in so long and I had only met this guy. Maybe the alcohol was working it's way into my system. I took another gulp before deciding to stop.

"Want to dance?" He asked, grabbing my hand and heading towards the load of people drunkenly moving their body to the beat.

I tensed up, looking at the sand, just concentrate Carmen.. "Seth.. I really can't dance." I said, as he gave me a goofy smile and started to move to the music. I smiled, a genuine smile. But just stood there awkwardly. No way was I dancing, the last time I danced was when I was 12 and it was in my own room.

"Anybody can dance." He said, picking me up by the waist. He was so fun and carefree. My opposite. His arms tightened around me when he saw I wasn't resisting or squirming. I felt the heat rush up to my cheeks and hope I wasn't blushing, I hadn't blushed since.. well, I can't even remember the last time.

I laughed, "P-put me down. I can't dance"

His smile was like a light. It made everyone and everything around it brighter. "You _are_dancing." He moved me around like a ragdoll; my feet were hardly touching the ground. Like he was literally carrying me. It made me laugh harder. My heart gave a squeeze at how he was holding me. I allowed myself to wrap my arms carefully around his neck. The scars were hidden under a sleeve.

Our faces were so close. It would be so easy to kiss him, a boy at a party that would probably never see me again. I could steal a kiss and have it for the memory of this night.

But I couldn't, it would just make it harder for later to get this insanely fun and cute boy out of my mind. I looked back at Sophie seeing her giggling and laughing with her boyfriend. I was never jealous, I just wished for someone to love me like Embry loved her. I could see it in both of their eyes, it was stronger than love. I wanted that.

But I wouldn't ever be able to have that. Because I was me, and for some reason, everyone abandoned me at some point.

_Sophie hasn't abandoned you. _My inner voice said.

Sophie was kind of like my best friend now. She said she would come back and she did, I've hardly been out of the hospital in months and so my Doctors were fine with letting me have some free time, since I had been stable for the past month.

But the time would come when Sophie would leave, and I'd be left in that horrible hospital.

"Is that you Crazy Carmen.. I didn't know they let you out of your cage." A girl whispered I recognized as Lauren Mallory, a popular girl from Forks High, where I used to go. Of course until the incident that led to my hospitalization. The good thing is I didn't have to go to school. The bad thing, I'd have to make up all the courses I missed.

I looked down, embarrassed, wondering why Seth wasn't walking off. Why was he still here with me? I was crazy Carmen.

"Don't listen to them." He whispered, setting me down as we both kind of just swayed to the music. I leaned my head on his shoulder. He was warm, it was nice. Being in the hospital I got resistant to the cold. Was it normal to feel this close to someone so fast.

_Don't get used to it, He'll be gone after tonight. _My inner voice warned. Yes, I was Crazy Carmen.

But I could hear the whispers and there stares, I could also feel Seth's shaking. I looked at him, daring to look into his eyes. His warm brown eyes, softened once he looked back.

"Come on let's walk for a bit." He said, and we walked away from all annoyances.

We walked down the beach; I've only been to the La push beach when I was younger. During my high school years I'd usually stay home. It was really pretty; well everything out of the hospital was pretty.

"How old are you?" Seth said, I wanted to reach out and hold his hand, like we were together. But he probably wouldn't like that. After all he was just a boy I met at a party. Those things never last, maybe he thinks I'm going to do stuff with him, there are rumors of me being a slut.

"fifteen, what about you?" I said, Seth looked at least 18 or 19. He acted childlike, but was pretty well built.

"Just turned sixteen."

"Wow, you look much older." I was a bit shocked, staring at the sand. I can't believe I was actually wearing a dress. Sophie had convinced me to.

"You're cold" He stated, not asked. Wrapping his arm around me, I didn't protest because I was still kind of cold.

We sat down on the sand, his arm still wrapped around me. I got a bit uncomfortable; I didn't know the rules for flirting or being with a really attractive guy. I didn't know why he was being so nice.

I bit my tongue.

_Don't ask, you'll look pathetic._

"Seth, why are you being so nice to me."

_Good job. Ms. Pathetic._

"Why not?" he retorted gently.

I was left dumbfounded. Why not? Because I'm crazy Carmen, I'm too thin, I practically have lived in a mental hospital, and the fact that my arm's were scared up. Making me unbeautiful, and unlovable. God, I hate me.

_You did it to yourself._My inner voice bothered me. I tried to make it shut up.

"Well, isn't it crazy Carmen. How you doing?" A painfully familiar voice.

Gabe Johnson. The person, I would forever hate. Because he was a big part of the reason I couldn't trust easily.

One time, him and a bunch of his friends thought it would be funny, to make that bet where you see how fast you can get a girl in bed then publicly humiliate her.

Well, I was there object.

Good, thing I wasn't stupid enough to get in bed after he asked only a few weeks after dating. But apparently, he got bored and couldn't take being seen with me. So he skipped to publicly humiliating me. And nobody would believe that Crazy Carmen. So nobody believed that I didn't have sex with him.

And it hurt, but he became another problem along with Laruen Mallory.

"Back for more? Couldn't resist me could you? Need something to suck on." He said, his friends laughing. Referring to the way I supposedly "hungrily sucked on his dick" during the bet. What a freaking Liar.

_Get out now._My inner voice made an alarming sound in my head.

"EXCUSE ME?" Seth roared, standing in front of him grabbing my hand before I could run. Gabe had nothing on Seth. Even though Gabe was popular, he was lanky.

"Stay out of this." Gabe said, I could his voice shake a bit.

"The next thing that comes out of your mouth better be an apology. Or you'll really be sorry" Seth was shaking, he looked mad as hell. I squeezed his hand.

"Why are you defending the slut, did you fuck her too?" He laughed.

The next thing I saw made my jaw drop. Seth fist connected with Gabe's face and I heard a crunch. I thought it would start a fight, but the look Seth gave them, made them all run. Even Gabe, bleeding nose and all ran away like a little girl.

Seth stopped shaking when he looked and me, the way his expression went from blazing angry to caringly soft in seconds.

"a-are you okay?" His hands lifted my chin to look at him eye to eye.

I nodded. "are you okay?" I said, lifting up his hand. To make sure it wasn't hurt, I mean it sounded like a pretty hard punch. But his hand looked fine. He nodded.

"Who was that?" He asked. And my eyes flickered to the night sky then back to the ground nervously.

"Just umm.. well.. a guy."

_He already knows It's a guy dumbass._

"I used to go to school with.. in Forks.." I continued.

_No shit, Sherlock._

"I didn't sleep with him, I swear.. he lied, nobody would belive me!" The tears ran down my face.

_Get out now while you have a little dignity left._My inner voice chimed in my head. Maybe I could find a piece of glass, that would be easy, just cut away all the embarrassment, the hurt, the suffering. Run away from that stupid hospital.

I ran down the beach, before he could say anything. He wouldn't follow, nobody ever did. One good thing about being me, is you always have time alone. And right now I wanted to be alone.

But this time, it was different.

Seth followed.

"Wait!" He huffed running after. My eyes widen, but I ran faster.

His arms wrapped around me, and I lost my balance falling .. Well, I should have face planted the sandy ground.

But somehow Seth, twisted so I felt onto his chest.

He rubbed my back and wiped my tears. " I believe you."

And with those three words, I buried my face into his neck and cried.

_Shut up! You'll scare him off!_

No, I just needed to cry. I hadn't cried in so long, and now it was just all spilling out.

_You've only known him for what? Two hours? _

He held me close, running his hands though my hair, trailing their way up and down my back, as I slowly calm down.

"Come on.. Let's go get Sophie, I think we kind of just crashed the party." He whispered with a half laugh, "We should go before the drama starts"

I got up but he kept his hand interlocked with mine. I like Seth. I like his cheerful demeanor and his brightening smile. The way his eye's make me feel all safe and warm. I like that he just held me and let me cry instead of walking off.

_I said don't get used to it._ My inner voice said.

I nodded to both of them , and we half jogged back to Sophie and Embry.

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_A/N: So what do you think? Review this first chapter for a shout out! :D  
_

_I haven't decided if I'm going to make this a whole separate story, but I thought you should know what happened._

There will most probably be a another chapter or two, according to the story. But I'm not sure how far I will go with this.


	2. A New Visitor

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

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Chapter 2: A New Visitor 

Do you know how hard it is for me to let go?

I do this thing, where I worry about every single thing I say or do, and think of what I should of done or said.

It can keep me up at night; sometimes I don't even get any sleep at all because of it.

I have kissed a boy before, once when I was maybe 12 and I was playing truth or dare with my sister, two cousins, and their friends.

Of course I should have picked truth, but being the stupid mess-up I was, I picked dare. And I was dared to kiss one of my cousins friends. He wasn't too attractive but, he wasn't that bad looking either.

The kiss was.. well, downright awkward. I remember shuddering when his tongue shoved into my mouth. He wasn't the best kisser, but how would I know? That was my first kiss. All I remember is wanting to give the boy a breath mint.

I hadn't kissed Seth on the lips, just a peck on the cheek.

What if he was weirded out by me?

What if me cheek kissing him made him disgusted by me.

_Doesn't matter it's not like you're going to see him again. _My inner voice mocked me.  
_  
_Probably, I sighed. The nurse knocked on my door letting me know it was time for breakfast. I slipped on some jeans and decided that was enough.

Incase you haven't realized. This hospital is like my home, ever since my parents dropped me off they hadn't visited. Not even my sister visited, but I hadn't expected her to anyways. She was the perfect older sister, she probably says she's an only child now.

My sisters name is Katie, she goes to the University in Seattle, it would take her a long time just to drive to Forks. But she could have managed to call right? Or at least drop by once in the past six months?

Sophie's only known me for what? A few days? A week? And she visits more than my family. She took me to a party, she's even saw my scars and didn't judge me. Sophie was kind of my view of a how a person could be perfect. Katie was perfectly _annoying._

Katie was a perfect student, daughter, and anything else she chose to be, she would excel in. I've never seen her get lower than an A or B and she was currently going to college on a good scholarship. All her boyfriend's were even perfect. Perfect grades, good looks, nice cars.

Who ever said, "Nobody is perfect" hasn't met my sister.

She's social and fun, she was a good ballet dancer, piano player, and loved to run. Had a perfect body, and was lucky, at everything. Guessing games, claw machines. You name it, she'd win it.

Then there's me. The disappointment child, sickly skinny, only had one gross kiss in a truth or dare game. Cuts all along my arms, completely abandoned in this hospital. I couldn't dance or play any kind of instrument.

The only thing I could win was trophy for the lamest teenager in Washington. Or most pathetic.

You're probably wondering why I'm so fucked up.

Well, join the club.

I wish I could be normal, you know. Put things in the past and move forward. Not care about what happens, do good in school. Have perfect skin, and a perfect life.

My mom and Dad weren't divorced, but they might have well been. They fought all the time, cursing and screaming to a point where I wanted to claw my ears out.

When I was little they would try to hide it, but it got really bad in the last two years.

Our family was like one big messy cut, bleeding and oozing. And then there was a thin Band-Aid that held it together, which was my mom's will to be a happy family. Too a point she looked a bit desperate about it.

My mom looked the other way while my dad went off fucking other girls. Sometimes they were really young, that made me sick. She looked the other way and pretended we were okay.

That little tear in the metaphorical Band-Aid holding our family together got wider and wider. My family was going to die at some-point. My sister out of the house in college, me in out of the house in this damn hospital. I'm surprised my parents haven't fought each other to death.

Not just my mom and dad fought, our _whole _family was chaotic. Fighting and bickering. Even when my Aunts and Uncle visited we had to have family drama. My sister, was perfect though, she could act too. Pretend everything was alright just like mom.

I half blame my family for me being fucked up.

But who else could I blame, other than myself?

I hate me.

I really _hate _me.

Don't think.

Don't think.

Don't feel.

Don't feel.

I scratched at my arms, the nurses had to keep my nails cut. Dammit!

I sat down on the stupid bench eating the bland things I had put on my plate. Just some cereal today.

"How are we feeling today." One of the nurses asked, I didn't bother to look up.

"Same as always." My answer for every day.

The cereal tasted disgusting, it was like plastic in milk. I sat alone, I didn't bother with anyone else and everyone kind of kept to themselves here. Forks mental hospital wasn't a crowded place at all. The town was hardly occupied to begin with.

I finished every last damn cereal piece, drinking the milk and wiping my lips of any milk moustaches. I dumped my things in the trash seeing as they were all safety plastic and walked back to my room. Sophie was gone so that means I had the room to myself again.

See we all had to have room mates, I had just gotten lucky to be the odd number, and Sophie had left leaving me with my own room again. I'd miss her, but was happy for her. Since she was with her boyfriend, and it sounded like she was having trouble with this whole hospital mix-up.

I felt all grimy, so I decided to take a shower. Grabbing my towel and shampoo, I headed to the showers to clean my self-up. The party had made me feel somewhat normal again. Not completely, because I could never be normal..

Because I was Crazy Carmen who hears voices in her head, has cuts and scars all alowng her arms, and practically lives in a mental hospital. My parents are fighting psychos and I am a disappointment to everyone.

So what I went to a party..So I met Seth at that party.. He made me feel safe.. but nobody ever stays. So why would he?

His kind eyes and fun personality, made me feel jumpy. Like you get when you hear a really good song.

I turned the water on and the warm water hitting my face felt good, and I looked up and around wondering if they had camera's. If that was even legal.

I wouldn't chance touching myself, especially thinking about Seth a guy I had only met a day ago for about what? Two hours?

Plus the nurses come to check, in here too. Every fifteen minutes I guess.

"Nurse?" I called, knowing at least someone was in here.

"Yes?" A woman's voice answered.

"I'd like to shave." I said, my cheeks going red. Yes, I had to be watched when I shaved. They wouldn't just hand me a razor. Especially since I was in here for self-harm.

"okay dear" The curtain opened and I cringed. Sure they probably seen a lot of patients naked, they probably even gave old wrinkly men baths. Didn't make the situation any less awkward.

She handed me a razor, watching me for any sign of hostility. If I tried to cut myself I would just be send to my therapist or maybe they would put me in a crazy jacket.

I shaved everywhere and I was embarrassed, but you'd get used to it after a while. Well, as used to it as you could ever get.

When I was done, I washed all the soap out and handed the razor to the nurse. They wouldn't leave it in the trash incase I came back for it later. The nurse handed me a towel and then she dashed off.

I dried myself off. Slipping on a t-shirt and jeans. My hair had never been healthy, weather from stress or not eating that great. I pulled it back into a pony tail.

_You look ugly with your hair up_. My inner voice told me but of course I already knew that.

I yanked the pony tail out of my hair and let my stupid hair cover my face.

My inner voice wasn't the best company. Sure it helped me out in situations, mostly telling me just to run from everything. But it also whispered things to me, and sometimes when I cut, it would shut up for a second.

They say crazy people don't know there crazy.

Well, I'm perfectly aware I'm crazy... Does that still make me crazy?

* * *

I hated the afternoon's the most. Because everyone here got visits and I sat here and sulked. Sophie had picked me up a lot of times before, but her Aunt usually signs for me temporary release. They call my parents, and of course they agree. They couldn't care less what happened to me. This hospital was like there daycare or something. A way to make sure I didn't just end up killing myself.

The T.V. was always hogged by some ass. So I didn't bother with that, they families started to come in a visit.

I sat down on a chair, grabbing a marker. Since pens and pencils were too sharp they weren't allowed. Scribbling doodles on a page. Bunches of X's side by side.

Each X for something I did wrong.

An X for every cut. Which was a lot.

An X for just being me.

X for just being alive.

My whole page was filled with X's.

The chair squeaked beside me and I glanced, just to see who it was.

But when I looked I thought I might be starting to see things.

Because right there was Seth.

Cute smile and all.

"Hey" He grinned.

"Hey" I kept my eyes on my paper, I couldn't help but smile. "what are you doing here?" I asked, not meaning to be rude at all. I was just curious.

"Visiting you." He said, still beaming.

"Why?" I said, was this a prank? Was he on some kind of bet now.

_Yea, and he punched Gabe out of that bet too…_

Okay, stupid assumption. Seth looked too sweet to do anything like that.

_Gabe did too before he publicly humiliated you._

Stop confusing me! I ordered myself.

His smiled fell a bit. "Because I wanted to see you.. Is .. is that okay?"

It's more than okay, I wanted to say. But I had to not look too crazy.

"Ofcourse it is" I said calming, I hadn't looked him in the eye once. I was too afraid. He was too perfect. What if he just faded into my imagination?

"Sophie would have probably came, but I heard she's got stuck into more trouble with her dad."

"Oh.. I hope she's okay." I said, not knowing what to say really. I wasn't good at conversation especially with cute guys like Seth. It was worse with there being no ounce of alcohol in my system right now.

"So.. what do you do here?" He asked, looking around the room.

I looked at my paper full of X's and shrugged. I did nothing, but sit here and die of boredom and self-hate. Isn't that sad? "I don't really know"

"Well, want to take a walk with me?" He said.

If I could stare at him, or look him in the eye. I probably would have a dumbfounded look. "Sure? But there's not much to look out down these halls.."

He chuckled and held out his arm in a gentleman like manner, for me to link my arms with his. A little smiled played at the edges of my lips as I slid my arm around his.

We walked down the hall, "So got any hobbies?" He said breaking the ice. He didn't even look nervous though.

I had really never been talked to, or asked questions about myself. Even with Sophie, we kind of just bonded silently. "Well, I used to like to draw, I really liked to read poetry at one point if that counts..." This boring hospital had made me into a boring person. Everything that I had once done, I didn't do anymore. "What about you?"

"I like to run I guess. It's like a stress reliever." His eyes flashed with excitement.

I found myself unthinkingly smiling. "What about swimming?"

He shook his head. "No that's not really my thing" He shivered then half laughed.

"Oh, I used to like swimming a bit too" I remember feelings so relaxed in water. Like I was in another world. The same thing with my art, and poetry. It took me to another world.

"Well, what do you like now?" His voice took on a soft tone.

I pondered that for a second. "I... don't know." I shrugged. Thoughtlessly stopping by my room.

His smiled faded, not sadly though. No, he was more serious now. He wasn't upset, he was concentrating. His head lowered and I could feel his warm breath caress my face. His eyes slowly closed and so did mine. My heart sped up and I could literally feel the heat of my blush. Our lips were so close.. and.. and…

I ran into my room shutting the door.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid me!

_He was going to kiss you! What's wrong with you! _My inner voice screeched.

I don't know, I don't know! I panicked.

_You ruined everything!_It was torturing me now.

I know, I know. The tears fell down my face a strange sob like sound came out from my chest, surprising me. I couldn't simply trust Seth that easily. It wasn't part of me. After Gabe, I couldn't trust a lot of people.

_Now you've really done it, you thought he was gone before, watch him never come back now. Couldn't you be normal for once! _

I heard him whisper something like 'I'm sorry' but I couldn't be sure, it made my annoying sobs stop completely and I listened as his footsteps walked away.

_You're so pathetic._

Oh how well I knew that.

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_A/N: Thanks for the reviews, and if you could favorite this story it would make my day._

_what do you think? You know a bit more about Carmen, & I couldn't make them kiss, cause that would be too soon. And Carmen is not the character that gets comfortable with people that easy even if she feels the imprint pull. Next chapter might be Seth POV, what do you think?_

* * *

_And here are the shout-outs!_

_Cocosinclair- Thank you so much for you're constant support your reviews brighten up my day! And I think I will continue this :D_

_j1u29- A special thanks to you for favoriting my story, it means alot. And you always support my story, It makes me smile. thank you xx_

_frangipanilover- Thank you so much for reviewing this and supporting just like you did with Silent love xx_

_Waiting4Revenge- Thank you for your reviews, they make me happy! And thank you for checking this extension of the story out too xx_

_jalapeno1011- Thanks for reading and the reviews :D It made me smile._

_AkiraTheDarkHuntress- Thank you so much for reading it and reviewing xx_


	3. Fan of the Classics

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

* * *

_A/N: Okay this chapter gets really cute towards the end and **Important! I changed Carmens sisters name to Katie. **_

* * *

Chapter 3: Fan of the Classics._ (Seth POV)_

_I'm so stupid, I moved too fast. _I thought, mostly to myself as I ran patrol. This was supposed to keep me busy, but a vampire hasn't shown up in weeks. I kept replaying the moment I had pushed it too far. We were doing so good! And I had to make that move.

* * *

_"Well, what do you like now?" I asked her, she makes me feel so calm, and she doesn't even know it._

_I hated the look in her eyes, like she was lifeless sometimes. "I … don't know" She shrugged her frail frame making her look so delicate. Is it healthy for her to look so skinny? I wanted to make her happy again._

_Our eyes lock and that's when I give in, she hardly glanced at me this whole time. Was that because she was shy? But her eyes are beautiful and should never be hid. They were like emeralds with specks of gold. Such a beautiful color, I never wanted her to hide from me again._

_I had been unthinkingly leaning forward, she wasn't flinching so I leaned in a bit more.. closer.. my eyes closed, and I could hear her heart beat pick up… closer.. I could feel the heat of her blush.. closer.._

_And suddenly, like I had been slapped.. she disappeared. What hurt worse than that was the fact she was crying, and I could hear it. Why had I moved too fast? She obviously wasn't ready, nice going Seth!_

_"I'm sorry" I whispered and her sobs stopped, that eased my pain a bit. But only a little before I walked away, leaving my imprint after hearing her cry like that was the hardest thing I had to do in a long time.  
_

* * *

_Are you still obsessing over that? _Paul mentally groaned and let out a wolf form of a somewhat whine. _She will forgive you. Just buy her flowers or something. Girls like that shit._

I rolled my eyes, Paul had to imprint soon. Before he drives one of us crazy with all the whipped jokes. Maybe if he found his soul mate he wouldn't take it as a joke.

I thought about buying her flowers, would she like them, what if she had allergies? What if she didn't like the kind I gave her?

_Oh my God just go visit her! _Paul exclaimed, as we made our last round of scanning the area. The forest was clear just like it had been the past few days.

We phased back when the sight of Collin and Jared, they had the next shifts. I hastily got on some pants and a shirt. Seeing as it would be weird to show up in a hospital without a shirt on.

I was pretty nervous as I was driving to the hospital. What if she refused to see me? The thing is, us wolfs usually run to where ever we have to go. Even though I had gotten my license a few months ago, I really had no need for it.

But I had to be normal, as normal as a shape shifter can ever be.

I pulled up to forks hospital and started to get nervous, but pushed away that feeling. She was my imprint and everything would work out, right? Because fate had put us together. Right? What if…

Okay Seth Clearwater, get a hold of yourself.

I rolled my eyes, getting out of the car realizing I sounded like my sister, Leah.

The front desk was right now being occupied by a nurse, not the red-headed nurse that Embry had hated with his life. I'm glad because when you share thoughts, you share feelings and after hearing about that nurse constantly the hate rubbed off on the pack.

"Hello, I'm here to visit Carmen" I said, to the nurse and she nodded. I didn't even really need a last name to find Carmen since Forks hospital wasn't that crowded.

After the nurse had checked me for anything that the patients could harm themselves with she let me through.

"She's probably still in her room, last check she was sleeping." The nurse said before taking a call and I nodded. Making my way down the halls, I can't imagine what it was like when Embry looked at this place and wasn't able to see Sophie, well I can because the whole time she was in this place his thoughts were going crazy. I just never would let Carmen stay here if I couldn't see her.

I didn't know the situation that well; just a sketchy description of her being here was because of self-harm. I shuddered at the thought of my Carmen hurting herself. If this place kept her from hurting then I could manage.

I knocked on her door, resisting the urge to just barge in panic when she didn't answer. The nurse said she was sleeping last time they checked. So, she couldn't be in any danger.

I turned the knob and lightly pushed it open. "Carmen?" I said quietly, though I could hear her steady breathing from the bed. I walked in.

She mumbled something in her sleep and I almost melted. She looked so peaceful, the way her eyes weren't constantly avoid eye-contact nervously or the way she wasn't hunched forward or leaning away slightly due to self-consciousness. Her lips looked so soft, a strand of her brown hair was covering her face. I reached out slowly, just to brush it away. But pulled my hand back quickly not wanting to invade her personal space. Even if she was sleeping.

I wondered if she had trouble sleeping last night, since it was the afternoon and she looked deeply asleep. Her long eyelashes formed little shadows around her perfect face. The slight movement of her chest moved up and down as she breathed in a out.

I know it's wrong and I shouldn't go anywhere near here since she's sleeping _and _she probably doesn't want to see me after the scene yesterday but I pulled the blanket away just enough to see her exposed arm.

The light pink scars that popped out against her pale skin made me shiver. They seemed to get deeper as it got closer to the vital vein. I gasped and was mad, not at her. But at myself. What if I came into her life earlier, I could have maybe helped and stopped this!

I promised myself to never make her feel like hurting herself. I'd keep her happy and healthy. She'd never shed another tear.

I covered her arm and crept back out of the room, I'd give her time to sleep. While I went to go pick up a gift.

I roughly explained to the nurse I'd be back because she was sleeping. The nurse told me to come back at 3:00 because she had an hour session with her doctor and I nodded even though I wanted to see Carmen now.

* * *

I decided to ditch the car, next time. Say I had walked here because the car was slower than me wolf running. I wondered if I should get flowers. Maybe go all chick-flick movie thing and get her a box of chocolates.

By the time I got home, Leah was done her shift. Leah never spent time with the pack, except for me of course. She actually tried to stay out of anything to do with them if she wasn't patrolling. Sometimes she would run all the way to the next state just to be as far away as possible. I really missed her sometimes, but I knew it was hard for her.

"Hey Seth, something you want to tell me?" She put her hands on her hip just like mom did when she wanted to you to do something or in this case confess something.

"Umm sure?" I paused, "What kind of presents do girls like?" I asked, Leah had gotten loads of shit from guys that were dying to get with her. Leah was muscular since she shifted. But she was tall and the muscles didn't look so obvious, like ours didn't. The just lean enough just to make her look fit. But all I could see was the same old Leah that was my big sister.

"Would this girl happen to be special?" She investigated, like I was under arrest.

"Yes." I said not quite sure about her behavior.

"Seth did you imprint or not?" She asked blatantly giving up the detective demeanor.

"Yea." I said giving her my signature Seth smile. I forgot I hadn't told her face-to-face about my imprint. I just figured out the whole pack knew.

She looked pissed, but she always looked pissed, just not with me. "What's wrong?"

"You're going to be brainwashed just like the others by some random girl." Her voice was rough, and she looked like she could punch the living daylights out of something.

"I'm perfectly happy" I said, kind of offended. Carmen was beautiful and intriguing. "And by stranger you mean my _soulmate_"

She rolled her eyes, giving up the subject for a moment. "Well I know the boys probably told you flowers or chocolate, something like that. But honestly getting her things that will die or be digested in her tummy is nothing compared to a big fluffy bear or something." She said smiling. "Girls die for oversized plush toys" She said as she grabbed the whole carton of orange juice and walked off.

I decided to take Leahs suggestion, and headed to a gift store. Bought the biggest teddy bear in the shop and headed back to the car, because I couldn't just run to the hospital with the bear in my mouth and get wolf slobber all over it.

By the time I had gotten back to the hospital the nurse was looking at me.

"Carmen?" I asked, and nodded before checking me for anything against the hospital regulations.

I knocked on the door, and heard a faint. "Yes?" I pushed the door open, hoping that yes meant come on in.

She gasped when she saw me, and well the oversized teddy bear I was holding.

"Hello again." I said, trying to be casual. Smooth.

"Hi" She chirped her face blushing as she tried to discreetly brush through her hair with her finger. I assumed she wasn't expecting me. It was still absurd because she looked beautiful no matter what.

"I got you a present, to make up for yesterday." I said, walking over to her setting the big teddy bear on her bed. It looked much bigger next to her frail body and hoped she was eating right. I could practically see her bones sticking out from under shirt.

Her eyes met mine and she gave me a smile that I would spend my lifetime trying to keep on her pretty little face.

"Thank you Seth, it's so cute, I love it." I could see a sparkle of joy in her eyes and she squeezed the teddy bear. She set it down and stood up wrapping her arms around my body awkwardly. I think that was a big step for her. I returned the hug a little too affectionate. She didn't pull back but I could feel her stiffen and then relax a bit. _However _she did pull back when I leaned in and inhaled her scent.

"So how was you're day?" I asked trying to make conversation, knowing she had woken up only two hours ago.

"It's was fine." She grimaced sitting down on her bed hugging the teddy.

"Doesn't look like it was fine.." I asked. Sitting down on the other bed, wondering who her roommate was now that Sophie was out.

" See I have sessions with my doctor today, I really hate it because I have to talk a lot." She said glaring at her feet and she wrinkled her perfect nose in frustration.

"What do you talk about" I meant the question to come out as a normal conversational one, but I hadn't realized I might have been asking a too personal question. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that."

She held the giant bear beside her; I resisted the urge to glare at the stuffed bear. I can't believe I'm getting jealous of a stuffed animal. I smiled at Carmen, and she gave a small smile back but kept her eyes away from mine.

I lifted her chin so I could properly see into her eyes. She shifted uncomfortably but didn't move away. She moved away, and I was hurt until she turned to the door just as the nurse popped her head in and wrote something on her clipboard.

"They check every fifteen minutes or so.." She mumbled mostly to herself the looked at me with a short glance. "How was your day."

"A bit boring actually. My sister was grumpy all day." I tried to make conversation and it was a way to rant a little about Leah's annoying behavior towards me. Imprinted wasn't my fault and I was pretty damn happy I imprinted.

"You have a sister?" She smiled. "Me too" Her smiled faded a bit. I didn't want to bring up any uncomfortable subject yet I wanted to know everything about her.

"Yea her name's Leah, she's hardly around and causes a lot of trouble sometimes, gets into a lot of fights. But I love her." I rolled my eyes. Most of the fights Leah got into were with men that had no chance against a shapeshifter.

"She sounds like a lot of fun." Carmen looked interested about what I was saying.

"She is, what's your sister like?" I asked.

She furrowed her eyebrows in dislike. "Her name is Katie, she my opposite and completely perfect at everything. She in college now"

I looked at her, upset that she didn't realize how perfect she was to me. I've never seen a girl as beautiful. I didn't even care about scars. Scars didn't make her who she was and who she was, was this amazing and fascinating girl.

I moved on to another subject when I could see her getting upset. "So.. what kind of movies do you like?" I asked, a good old conversation starter.

She giggled but covered her mouth. Her eyes going a bit wide, like she hadn't heard the sound before or it wasn't familiar to her.

"What?" I asked, smiling confused.

"My favorite movie is.. The Jungle book.." She said, a blush coming across her face as she snuggled the bear closer.

"The one with the panther and the bear?" I asked, recalling it being in one Claire's mom's collection from when _she _was a kid.

"Yea, I don't really tell people that, because they have some favorite movie with Megan Fox or Chad Tantum or something.. But I love Disney classics." She tried to hide her face in the teddy bear.

She half mumbled into the bears fur, "what about your's?"

I grinned leaning in her closer to whisper. "Lion King, but only my sister knows that so tell any of my friends and I'll deny it." I laughed.

She let out a carefree giggle and covered her mouth again.

* * *

The rest of the hour went like that. Us sharing different facts about ourselves. I was so interested to learn as much as I could about her. She seemed interested in my answers too. She still avoided eye contacted, but glanced at me more. Like she was starting to trust me.

She'd also keep a good distance between us, but after the first half an hour she leaned in closer and the tense atmosphere was gone. I wondered why she was so tense around other people. Because it wasn't just me, Embry had reassured me she was like that with most everyone.

I could see the happy part of Carmen, the way her eyes sparkled when she was excited. Her unique personality that made her different than all the fake girls.

"What kind of food do you like?" I asked, this question was more important.

"Chinese," She giggled, patting her tummy.

"Then would you like to get some Chinese food tomorrow,-like a date maybe? I mean I could get Emily to sign a full day release again. Only- if you want to.."

I held my breath, hoping I hadn't made her uncomfortable. But exhaled relived when a light blush spread across her check and she nodded, keeping her eyes on the teddy bears tummy.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews and I hoped you enjoyed this chapter! I hope I got Seth's perspective right & forgive any spelling mistakes, tell me what you think! :D_  
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	4. Insecurities and Nervous Chatter

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

* * *

Chapter 4: Insecurities and Nervous Chatter

Seth had to be the boy of my dreams.

I stared at my reflection wishing for the millionth time, I could be the girl of _his _dreams. He seemed so perfect, and I was.. I was well, me.

Well right now I was trying to make myself look at least somewhat perfect.

I was failing because there was nothing about Crazy Carmen, or Carmen the cutter that was perfect. But for tonight I would pretend to be. The make-up I had put on was closely similar to the technique I used for the party, just different shades.

Katie actually taught me how to do make-up and even though Sophie thought I was good at it, Katie was better. I shouldn't complain so much. Katie had never really done anything wrong. It wasn't her fault she was flawless.

The shirt I had picked out was a light blue top that I never, I repeat, NEVER wore in like months. But I was dressing up tonight and it seemed fitting. I had no curves or shape what so ever, and this shirt had been made for someone that did. So it didn't cling to me in all the right places.

The jeans I wore were slightly tighter and darker than I'd usual ware, because of course I was dressing up. I rolled my eyes, wondering if I should change into something more Crazy Carmen like. Baggy jeans and unfitting shirts.

_Yea, why don't you just go wearing garbage bags? _My inner voice mocked me.

I shook my head and fixed my hair, which was hard because it was so unhealthy I couldn't really do anything to it without looking sick or like a balding teenager. I decided to pull half my hair in a bun and let the lower half cascade down my back.

I looked in the mirror as the crippling fear of insecurities flashed before my eyes. My malnourished looking body, and unkempt hair. The way I looked like I was half dead.

_What if you're over-dressed_? My inner-voice had a smug tone as it popped that lovely fright into my head.

I smacked my forehead. My thoughts would someday kill me. What if I was overdressed? What if Seth laughed at me because of what I wore? I resisted the urge to punch the mirror to pieces. One, because the mirrors in here were hard to brake, I swear there made of some superman kind of material. Two, because my doctor would say I'm unstable and I wouldn't be allowed the day passes.

_I bet he pities you, that's why he's taking you out._

I couldn't help the tears that escaped my eyes. I dabbed them away carefully not smudging my make-up.

_He doesn't care, He'll be gone soon._

"Stop it please." I whispered to myself, I never talked aloud to myself. That only made me feel even more like a freak.

"Carmen?" A voice said behind me.

No, No, I didn't even get time to change. I didn't turn around, my Inner voice laughing at me.

"Hey, Seth." I smiled, " I'm almost finished up."

"Are you okay?" His concern was so sincere. I almost choked on my uprising sob, but I kept my mouth shut.

"F-Fine, Seth. " I glanced up at the mirror and saw him wearing some dark jeans, with a white button up shirt. Breath Carmen, Breath.

I saw his figure start to walk towards me through the mirror, and then kept my eyes down. Afraid to if he was looking at me like I was crazy, or maybe he was disgusted with me, I felt so disgusted with my own self. The make-up, the nice shirt. I wasn't beautiful or normal, so why try?

"You look really pretty" His said tenderly, handling the edge of my shirt. Then stroking the hair that fell down my back. It was like he could read my mind perfectly. Those four words ,made all my insecurities go away.

"Thanks" I exhaled. "You look handsome yourself." I patted his shoulder, half smiling. I couldn't meet his eyes, or I would drown in nervousness.

"Thanks" His smile was much more brighter than my dull dreary half smile.

_Cheer up or he'll think you're a bummer, and leave before the date even starts._  
He wouldn't do that. Seth is too nice; I shoved the bad thoughts away. Stupid inner voice, making me literally go insane.  
_  
You can't become what you already are._

"You ready?" He asked, holding out his arm in a gentleman fashion. I loved when he did that, it was so charming. I linked my arm with his, and with a single glance in the mirror I realized I looked fine. Mostly because Seth had called me pretty.

The last time I got called pretty was..

I can't really remember.

Little butterflies fluttered around in my stomach, and I resisted the urge to skip out the door with Seth.

We made our way to the front desk.

"Okay Carmen, you have you're hospital bracelet on right?" The stupid nurse asked and I nodded, pulling my sleeve up just enough for the white hospital bracelet to show.

"And you have to sign back in, I've called you're parents, they agreed on your temporary release so has your doctor. And Emily Young has signed to supervise you're self. If you do not sign back in at the agreed time, we will be forced to call you're guardians and the authorities. Please sign under the second line" The nurse said handing me a clipboard, full of insignificant words. I felt like I was signing a contract without reading it, which I probably was.

I removed my arm and signed where I was supposed to, which was under my doctors and Emilys signature.

I turned around and Emily smiled giving me a half hug. "Hey dear, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay, how are you?" Those words were memorized into my brain. I bet even if I ever did get better or less insane, I still respond with that when someone asked me how I was.

Because that's all I could say. If I said _'I'm great'_ it would be such a fake answer I'm sure she'd think I was being sarcastic. And I couldn't exactly say,_' I feel like cutting every inch of my body and soul_. So, _'I'm okay' _would have to do.

"I'm good" She smiled and we passed through the automatic doors. The feeling of actually being out of this place, even if it only was for a few hours.

"Okay now, Seth get her back by the given time. I don't want the police showing up thinking I kidnapped sweet Carmen here." She giggled and we went separate ways in the parking lot. I thought Emily was going to drive, but I guess me and Seth were taking his car.

To be honest I was excited again. I wasn't old enough for a license and my parents wouldn't let me have a permit even if I wasn't stuck in that hospital. Seth said he was 16 and he looked 19, but I was still fascinated by the idea of him driving, it was pretty cool.

"Carmen?" He asked as we were in front of his not too bad car.

"Hmmm?" I asked.

"I know, you're not that comfortable with me- I mean, I just don't want to push you to do anything you want. But do you mind if I held you're hand. Would it make you uncomfortable?" He stumbled through his words.

And I thought it was the cutest thing ever. He was asking to hold my hand? I had kissed him on the cheek once, I had hugged him. Why would he feel the need to ask to hold my hand?

I was much more comfortable with Seth, than most people.

"I'm comfortable with you, Seth." I admitted, hoping I hadn't said too much.

He slipped his hand around mine, and I smiled. We interlocked fingers and he brought our hands up, and brushed his lips to the back off my hand, before placing a kiss on it. I realized why he asked, us holding hands was not like just holding hands.

It was more than that. It was like were connected, and I like the idea of that.

"Okay let's get going" He said, then awkwardly realizing he had to let go off my hand so I could get in.

He opened the door for me and I smiled.

One we were both inside strapped inside and the car started, he grabbed my hand again, driving with the other one.

My heart started pounding when his thumb rubbed circles on my palm and our hands were locked together like handcuffs. The simple action of his thumb, made me feel all bubbly.

"Should you be driving with one hand, is that safe?" I asked, nervously.

He laughed and nodded. "I'm not going to let anything hurt you, and I'm pretty good at driving."

I'm not going to let anything hurt you.

I replayed that in my head.

_Except himself. He'll hurt you and you're stupid for letting him in._My inner voice chided me. It had been silent since Seth had called me pretty, but I knew my crazy voice wouldn't just go away. But it was nice for it to actually shut up for once.

"Okay." Was my smart reply. _Okay_.I wanted to slap myself.

* * *

The place he took me was small but cute. The red walls were dimly lighted and little statues at the corners of the restaurant that gave it more of an Asian vibe. There was a big fish tank filled with lots of exotic fishes, we sat at the table close to it. I watched as a little one swam weirdly, like it had a problem with it's fin. I pouted as I tapped the glass, hoping that would help it.

But it still had trouble swimming. My heart when out to the little fish that could not swim easily while the others dreamily flowed around the fish tank. As if they were mocking him, I knew how it felt to be different.

"Do you like fish?" I asked, "Because most people don't like fish, as pets I mean. They find them, boring . But I don't"

_Why don't you tell him your life story, huh?_

"I'm more of a dog person." Seth smiled amused; I hope that he didn't find me weird. "But what do you like about them?"

"I don't know, just watching them swim. It's like relaxing; imagine being in a tank and just swimming all day." I shut my mouth.

_Well, at least now you'll be sure to know he thinks you're weird. _The voice was getting more and more irritating."That does sound like fun." He chuckled and I blushed embarrassed. He picked up a menu, and so did I. Well, the prices weren't cheap, but they weren't that bad. I didn't really have money on me. God, I'm so rude.

"Hello, I'm Lily and I'll be you're waitress today. What can I get you?" The waitress said a little bit too enthusiastically. I cringed at the urge of jealousy that shot through me. Her stupid blonde hair and perfect curves.

_Jealous now? You should be, look at her and look at you._

I sighed, knowing that my inner voice got worse with the pressure of being on an actual date. It got meaner and more frustrating. Everything it was saying was making me insane... well, more insane.

"I'll just have whatever my date is getting." Seth said, killing all the jealousy and replacing it with bubbles and butterfly. It was amazing how he could change my mood so quickly.

"Umm.. I'll just have a coke and the chicken lo mein noodles." I stumbled through my order hoping my blush wasn't too noticeable, I kept my eyes on the menu.

We handed back out menus and I looked down at the table tracing the patterns of the red and gold threads.

_Say something._

"So what's your favorite color?" Great, I sounded like a ten year old.

_I meant say something __smart._

"You know Queen Cleopatra loved the color purple." I added quickly, attempting to not look weird, but as usual I dug the hole deeper. I learned that fact last year when we took ancient Egyptian civilization and my teacher went crazy, giving up like a five page report on a it. Sure I had to stuff all the facts I could get into the damn report.

"Oh" He looked amused, I wondered if he was going to laugh at me. "Is you're favorite color purple?"

"No, it's blue." I winced looking at him for a second before going back to tracing the tablecloths pattern with my eyes.

"Mine is Green." He said, looking into my eyes. "With a bit of gold."

I blushed, knowing he was talking about my eyes. He was complimenting me, after all my insane ramble.

I took a deep breath. I had talked to Seth fine before? Why was it so hard now? The only difference is we were on a date. Our first date.

_You say that like there will be more._  
_  
_"Sorry, I just kind of don't make conversation well.. when I'm n-nervous." I spit out.

He laughed this time, but it wasn't rude or sarcastic. It was gentle. "I think it's cute."

The waiter came back with our food and I have to admit. Eating hospital food day after day, this looked really, really good.

I had to remember to eat slow and unhurried, so I wouldn't look unpleasant. But after watching Seth devour his food, I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a problem. I had to admit it made me feel a bit better.

He looked up at me, realizing he was being messy and straightened up. He looked at me sheepishly. I looked into his eyes; this was one of the cutest expressions I've seen him wear yet. There was a little sauce on the corner of his lips. Grabbing a napkin I slowly reached across the small table and wiped it away. He beamed at the contact and I shrugged back into my seat, also smiling.

Once we were finishing up, I was pretty full. Seth was looking at a desert menu.

"What desert do you want?" He asked, pondering over the menu.

"Oh no, I'm good." I said, patting my stomach looking at the fish tank, my little fishy nowhere to be found.

He chuckled. "How can you not have room for desert."

"Small stomach" I said.

He ordered the desert and it came almost instantly. He chortled and cut the chocolate cake that looked like it had 5 million calories crammed into it's chocolate goodness, in half. Setting it down on an empty plate in front of me.

"What-?" I protested.

"No, I won't hear it. This place has really good cake, and you're trying it no matter how small you're stomach is." He said, trying to look serious but failing with his cuteness. He was like the big teddy bear he gave me that always wanted to hug.

I giggled and obeyed. Eating the overly delicious cake.

* * *

After we had left, Seth drove slow. I mean, extra slow. Like slow enough to watch the tree's and see the animals. Not just a blur of green. It wasn't like I minded him going slow, if anything I wanted him to slow down even more.

Right now, I felt normal. In this car, with Seth. Like there was no voices in my head, No scares on my arms, and I was a happy fun teenager.

But my stomach turned when I saw the Forks hospital come into view. I fidgeted with my hospital bracelet wanting to rip it off and run away. Ask Seth to drive off.  
_  
Like he would go run off with you._

I ignored the voice, listening to the Radio station Seth had on.

"Well, were here." He said, unenthusiastically. He looked at the hospital dreary.

I nodded, and he turned over to me.

"I had a really great time Seth." I said, wanting that sad look to go away and it worked, the corners of his moth pulled up into a little smile.

"I did too."

I nodded, not willing to get out. Just a few more seconds, I pleaded.

"Carmen?" Seth said leaning closer, I knew where this was going but wasn't sure if I was ready for it.

"Yea..?" My voice sounded all squeaky and nervous, Butterflies were fluttering tens and thousands of them in my stomach.

"Would it be if okay if I kissed you right now?" He checked.

I thought about it, for about half a second, before concluding that I would rather do nothing but kiss Seth at this moment.

I nodded. A simple nod, was all it took. He leaned in ever so slowly, and I could feel his warm breath caressing my face. Unthinkingly I closed my eyes and waited, just a little closer and our lips would be touching.

He kissed me gently, like I was a porcelain doll. His hands wrapping around me, I shifted a bit, not used to this. My first real kiss, not some dare. He was kissing me because he liked me. The feeling of actually being cared for was so sweet, I could have cried out in joy. My hands were tangled in his hair, and I wanted more.

Oh god, did this feel better than that stupid dare kiss. Seth's lips were soft and he pulled back, but I held my hands on the sides of his face. Not sure of what I was doing, but I didn't want him to pull back.

Rounding up my courage, I brushed my lips across his, loving the feeling.

"See you later." I said, hurrying out of the car before I could mess anything up, blushing scarlet red and I laughed at my new personal nick name I had just gave myself. Crushing Carmen.

Oh yes, did I had a very big Crush on Seth.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, I mentioned this in 'Silent Love' and I'll say it again. I write purely on imagination and web research. So if I get something wrong about being in a hospital or the schedules and rules, go easy on me. lol But other than that, tell me what you think. Thank you guys for the lovely reviews, they make me smile._


	5. I Hate Therapists

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

* * *

"_When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride__  
__When you need directions then I'll be the guide"  
- Death Cab for Cutie- Passenger Seat_

* * *

Chapter 5: I Hate Therapists

My finger automatically clenched as I traced a finger across the pink lines on my arm. Some cuts deeper than the others.

"Carmen, there is a call for you.." The nurse said, interrupting my concentration. I groaned slipping my sleeve back down and walking over to the hospital phone. God forbid anyone who tries to make a call on this thing, it needed to be replaced so badly most people thought it was broken.

"Hello?" I said, wondering how sanitary the phone was.

"Carmen?" A familiar voice said.

"Hey Sophie." I smiled a bit, playing with the cord of the phone, only to leave it be when I thought about how fragile this thing was.

"Sorry I haven't visited lately, my father got back and well I'm going out to dinner with him and Embry today to settle the problems." She said gloomy.

"Oh, it's okay. I've just been here and Seth comes by sometimes.. " I added trying not to sound to pathetic at being excited I had another friend.

"Oh really? That's nice, what do you two do?" She asked, conversationally.

"Well, he kind of took me on a date yesterday.." I said. Okay, I've never really had a best friend to talk all girly with.

"That's sweet, where did you two go?" She said enthusiastically, I don't think I could imagine her squealing oh-em-gee kind of thing. That was more like her friend Kim.

"Chinese restaurant, It was cute." I said, remembering the fish tank.

"Oh.. um.. did you two..ki- " She trailed off.

"Yea, we kissed." I smiled, rocking back and forth on my heels remembering the taste of his lips.

"Was it nice?" She asked simply.

I nodded, but realized she wouldn't be able to see me. "Yes." I said stupidly.

"Listen, I'll come around tomorrow maybe, if things go well with my dad. But I have to go and get ready, Embry says hi btw" She giggled and I could hear Embrys voice in the backround.

"Oh, tell him I said hi" I muttered awkwardly. "And sure , I'll be here. " I rolled my eyes at myself, of course I would be here, I didn't need to say that.

"Okay, bye" She said, hanging up.

I set the phone back down, and trudged back to my room. Visiting didn't start for an hour and I had nothing to do as always.

I started singing random songs. The boredom made me quite tired and I laid back slipping up my sleeve back up. Tracing the lines of my failure and pain. One little pink line puckered out more than the rest. It was the deepest cut, the one that almost killed me.

I wasn't looking to die, well, maybe I was. But when I cut, it all seems to stop, the voices in my head, the fighting of my parents, bad memories.

I knew if I did accidently cut to deep, if it went that far even if it was by mistake. I wouldn't really care.

But I was a coward, and a kid and still human. And the unknown scared the shit out of me. Sure, I tried to kill myself once, got a rope and tied it to the fan.

It was the one time I ever tried to purposely kill myself.

Being the stupid kid I am, I tied it to the fan.. And was I was dangling in the air. I remember the feeling of the air being cut off from my lungs, I could feel my pulse pounding. The voice in my head was dead, as if I killed myself, the voice would die too. My natural reflexes kicked in and thrashed and kicked, but only out of reflex. I saw my life flash before my eyes, and dammit I accepted death. But right when everything started getting blurred.

The fucking fan broke. Literally fell out of the ceiling. I wasn't heavy kid. I guess it was just a crappy fan. I managed to pull the rope off, I should have left it on. But as I said, I'm a stupid kid.

I had to get a cast, on my leg where the fan had landed on it.

_Stupid you. _The voice said, as I pondered over the memory. It was kind of funny, in a sick twisted way.

Anyway, I hid the rope and told my parents it had fell out of nowhere, they didn't believe it, but they didn't care to find out the real story. They didn't even ask about the bruises, from the rope, on my neck. I don't even think they fixed the fan, why would they bother?

I sighed slipping into the sweet darkness of sleep.

* * *

"Carmen?" A annoyingly familiar nurse voice said.

I stretched, blinking my eyes open. "Yes?" I grumbled annoyed.

"Seth is here to visit." She chimed walking out and I looked around to see Seth walking in.

I smiled, I guess I could have my sleep interrupted for him.

"Hey sleeping beauty." He chuckled, his eyes flickered down for a second and a flash of what looked like sadness mixed with anger, crossed his face before recovering to his normal cheerful exception.

I glanced down, looking for the source of that emotion and realized my sleeve with still pulled up. I shoved it down instantly, looking away.

_See how he looked at you? He was disgusted._The voice was sickly happy about making me feel like shit.

My heart felt like it had been injected with pain. I did see the expression he wore, it wasn't necessarily disgusted. But it wasn't so accepting either.

I turned away, hiding my face as the emotions swelled in me. Anger at him for looking at that way. Sadness at how I couldn't be perfect for him. I looked back for a second.

"I-" He started to say with the same look on his face again.

"Don't. Just don't. You know, I'm used to it. People looking at my.. my scars like that. " I said harshly, putting hand over my sleeved arm.

"Like what?" he asked, I didn't meet his eyes.

"Disgusted, horrified, they look at me like I'm not even a person, like there's something wrong with me." The harshness in my voice was etched with pain. My mother, looking at my cuts for the first time, looked at my arm like it was a rat or a vile bug. My father figured I was a lost cause, didn't care. He looked at me as if I wasn't his child. My sister was no different.

"You think I could feel that way about you? You think I'm disgusted or horrified?" He whispered, I saw him come closer in my peripheral vision.

"Y-You… " I couldn't continue, my voice was on the verge of sobs.

"Carmen" He whispered in my ear, pulling my hand off my sleeve, and fiddling the end of my sleeve. " I could _never _feel that way about you."

"But.." My voice cracked and I looked at him, hoping I could keep the tears in, but failed as a few escaped and rolled down my check.

He kneeled beside me as I sat on the bed looking down at him, and kissed the tears from my face, "But nothing, these scars, they don't make you any less beautiful." He started to lift up my sleeve, only for me to grab his hand.

"It's okay." He whispered, and I released his hand, letting him push my sleeve up. More tears rolled down my cheeks as he bent forward and placed a kiss on a few off my scars.

This was wrong, I was trusting Seth too much and too fast. His soft kisses along my arm soothed the pain, like he was making all the hurt go away. Little sobs came out as I chocked them back down.

I rested my cheek on the top of his head as he brushed his lips across my skin, and then wrapped his arms around my waist.

I don't know how long we sat like that, the only sound of our heartbeats and the shuffling of people outside the room. For the first time in I don't even know how long, I was comfortable. You know the feeling of dropping down onto you bed after a long day of school? Yea, it was kind of like that, only better. My inner voice didn't even dare to speak.

He looked up at me, after a while. "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but.. I'm here okay? I want to help, so whenever you do feel like talking about something. Just know I'll always be listening." He half whispered softly, as he started to get up.

I nodded, as my arms felt Empty, I wanted him to come back and hold me forever.

"Good, now smile, Pretty girl." He said, poking at the corner of my lip and I smiled, it wasn't fake or strained. It was genuine.

* * *

Seth and I were playing checkers, seeing as I didn't know how to play anything else and the chess board was missing all the horses for some odd reason.

"Wait, you can move backwards?" Seth asked.

"Yea, because I reached the end of the board." I said, jumping over two of his pieces.

"Oh.." He said, concentrating on his next move.

I giggled inside, hoping he would make the move that allowed me to win another four jumps.

"I'm stuck." He said, he looked too cute while he stared at the board.

"Here, you can move there." I said innocently, as if I was helping him out.

He moved the piece and I burst into giggles as I jumped over four of his pieces.

His jaw dropped "Hey! You tricked me!" He laughed.

"Y-your not supposed to trust your opponent." I said between laughs as I dumped the pieces into my stack.

"But now you're going to win! No fair" He said, looking at the bored trying to cover up a smile.

"I know." I smirked.

"It's okay I just let you win." He stuck out his tongue jokingly.

I shook my head. "Sure, Sure"

"Fine, you win this.. Let watch some T.V." He said, as I looked over to the empty couch. It wasn't being occupied at the moment.

We watched whatever crappy channels the old T.V got. Mostly commenting more than being interested in what was happening. But we didn't get to do that long before visiting hours were over.

He sighed getting up, and I stiffened. I didn't like the idea of him leaving even if it was just until tomorrow.

"I should get going before one of the nurses kicks me out." He said duly and nodded.

"You'll come back tomorrow?" I checked.

"Of course." He promised leaning and placing a kiss on my forehead. "Goodbye."

He turned and walked out.

* * *

Dr. Davidson called me in his office for a checkup. I don't know why because he usually stuck to the schedule of once a week. I had already seen him earlier this week.

"Have a seat Carmen" His voice was calmed as he looked at me. His hair was frantic, like he never brushed through it and he was old. His hair going grey and his wrinkles making him look much older than he was, which was 40.

I sat down, pondering over what he was going to ask me.

"So, you've made a new friend." He said, smiling. I wondered if he smiled because he was happy or because he had too.

"Seth?" I said, adding a nod.

"Yes, that's his name?" He kept his smile.

I nodded again, "Yea"

"Do you want to talk about him?" he asked, always pushing questions. It was annoying at first, but I was here to 'talk out my problems'.

"There's not much to say, he's really nice." I said, tucking my hair behind me ear.

"You look better, happier." He stated, scribbling a note down.

"Oh really I didn't notice." I said playing with the end of my sleeve. Being around Seth did make me feel better. I hadn't noticed till now, but he kind of made the voices go away. My insane voice hadn't spoken a lot around him.

"Yes, well. You make eye contact more and you look like you have been laughing more. The nurse said you looked pretty good enthusiastic when he visited you. "

"Oh." I said, not knowing what to do. I was used to just talking about the same things over and over again.

"How does he make you feel?" He asked.

I looked down, I hated talking about feelings. No matter what you do, talking to a fucking stranger won't help.

_Well, tell him. He makes you feel like you're actually worth something. _My inner voice spoke up, after being unusually quiet today.

"umm.. nice?" I said, looking at the bookshelf.

"Just nice?" My doctor asked prying for information.

"H-he kind of makes me feel like.. I don't know.. like you know when you're away from someplace you love, or like you're home and then you finally come back and you feel all cozy inside… Yea, kind of like that." I said, looking up at my doctor to see him smiling. This was less creepy of a smile and softer.

"That's good" He said.

"But I still can't get rid of my feelings." I admitted, staring at my palms now.

"What feelings?" My doctor scribbled again on a paper.

"The feeling he's going to hurt me, or abandon me." I leaned back in my chair, folding my arms.

_That's why you're supposed to listen to your conscious. _My inner voice teased.

You're not my conscious, you're my insanity. I retorted in my head, wincing at the way I was mentally talking to myself.

"Has he given you any reason, to think that?" My doctor raised a grey eyebrow.

I shook my head. "A-Actually. He's one of the sweetest people I've ever met…"

"Good, so you should trust him" The doctor said.

I squinted at my doctor. "Well, what if he ends up hurting me all because you told me to trust him?"

"How about you trust him with the little things first, then work your way up from there?" He suggested.

I shook my head. "He'll probably leave anyways, I don't know why we're discussing this." I sounded a lot like my insane inner voice.

"Not everyone is going to hurt you." He said.

I looked away refusing to answer him anymore.

"You've trusted Sophie, right?" He said, and yes I told my therapist about everything. I don't know if that makes me lame, but it all confidential. It's not like he can go laughing to other doctors about how pathetic I am.

I nodded. "Kind of"

"And has she hurt you?"

I hesitated before shaking my head.

"See.." He smiled wider making the lines under his eyes more prominent

"She'll leave someday too, everyone gives up, moves on, or decided I'm not worth it. Don't you see? My own parents through me in this place because I'm not worth the trouble." For the second time today tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Maybe they really wanted to help you?" He was so wrong on that question.

"Haven't you heard anything I said in the past months? My parents fight, cheat, pretend. They don't care about me; all they care about is my perfect sister. I could die in here and they wouldn't care."

"Sophie and Seth would care and a lot of other people too." He stated.

My mouth opened but snapped back shut. Like I had been left speechless. Would they care? If I died today, would they cry? Would they come to the funeral?

"Carmen, just try trusting people a little more. Give them a chance and we'll talk about it next session." He said, putting his pen down and shoving the paper into a file which I presume was mine.

I stomped out of there and back into my room.

God, I hate therapists.

* * *

_A/N: I loved writing this chapter please excuse any mistakes, & give me you're thoughts on it! _


	6. A Little Trusting and Bonding

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

* * *

_"Will you give it to me?  
__Will you take the pain?  
__I will give to you. Again and again.  
__And will you return it?"_

_Strange Love- Bat for Lashes (Depeche Mode Cover)_

* * *

Chapter 6: A Little Bonding and Trusting

I sighed, taking the little pill and swallowing it. It had become a such routine that I hardly even remember taking it sometimes. I opened my mouth, showing the nurse that I actually took it, and walked off to visiting room.

Someone tapped my shoulder, and spun around to see Sophie. She was older than me, but was too small that you'd never think she was sixteen. It didn't help that her boyfriend was mega tall. But I guess it was cute. They were so different, yet they fit perfectly together.

"Hey" She smiled a bit, "You look different" She said with a nod.

"I feel a little different." I shifted uncomfortably. The voice in my head had shut up all morning, for the most part. Only making a few comments, and pulling me back into a few memories of my mistakes.

"That's a good thing." She turned to sit on a chair, and I followed sitting beside her.

"How did things go with your dad yesterday?" I asked, scribbling little doodles on a already used paper. They always left out the art supplies that's why most of the colors are missing, and there's hardly any paper.

"It went great, my dad's letting me stay in La push and I get to visit him on vacation times." Her smile grew bigger.

"Sounds like things are getting better" I stated putting the marker down. " But if you don't mind me asking, what happened to your mother? And why were you going through problems with your dad?"

I mean, sure Sophie's my best friend one of my only freinds actually and Seth too. But I still don't know the major things in her life. We bonded over mutual emotions. She's the first one that actually stayed with me, and if it wasn't for her, taking me out to that party I would have never met Seth. But I tended to stay out of her business, hoping she wouldn't ask about mine.

"It's kind of a long story, If you want to hear about it.." She tensed fiddling with her hair, that had grown a bit longer since I first met her.

I nodded once for her to tell me and she did. She told me about the years of not talking after her mother's suicide, the fighting with her dad. How he sent her to Forks hospital, after she had an outburst. Then the crazy dream her father had, that settled everything. I shifted as uncomfortable as her, I could tell Sophie wasn't use to talking about her emotions, maybe only to Embry. She looks at him like he's her everything.

"W-what about you? I mean.. I don't mean to pry or anything. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.."

Trusting, this was the first step. I had to trust little by little. Sophie was a good person, and she had trusted me with her story now I should do the same.

"I-I, um, well, as you know .. I c-c" I looked down. Saying this aloud was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I didn't even know what to say? Sophie's mother had killed herself, her father had talked to her so badly she was practically mute.

What was I? My parent's fight? I was picked on at school? It all came down to I was weak.

"It's okay Carmen, you don't have to tell me." She said, putting her hand on my shoulder as a comforting gesture.

"I'm weak." I said, as if that was the answer. It came out of my mouth as only a broken whisper.

"I don't believe that." She said firmly.

"Well, it's true." I said, looking away.

_Accept it you're to weak, for every time you dragged that blade across your skin it made you even more pathetic._The voice spoke up, using what it knew hurt me to torture me more.

"Carmen, it's not. Look cutting doesn't make you weak. It's just a way to deal with it. Like I stayed voiceless all those years. That was my way of dealing with it. Cutting doesn't make you different, or any less strong. And who ever thinks that can go straight to hell." She said, with seriousness on her face. As if she was stating a fact.

I half smiled. "I started cutting around the age of 12, maybe 13." The words left my mouth with effort but I got through it.

Sophie nodded, mirroring my half smile.

"My parents w-" I was cut off by the sight of Seth walking in. "I'll tell you sometime later?" I asked, looking at Sophie. She was confused, until she followed my gaze and nodded. I wasn't ready just yet to scar Seth off with my stupid problems.

"Sure thing" She said.

"Hey you guys." Seth said, smiling.

"Hey Seth" Me and Sophie said at the same time.

"Well... Erm.. I should get going." Sophie winked at me inconspicuously, odd because I've never seen her wink before. She turned around with a small wave to Seth and left swiftly. I knew she was just giving me time with Seth alone. I hope she visits tomorrow.

Seth had a confused face, but I think he realized a little bit after. Sophie was doing a favor. He plopped down on the chair beside me and smiled.

"And how are you today, pretty girl." He said, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I'm o-okay." I stuttered not used to being called pretty unless ugly came after it. "wha-" I was about to ask him. When I heard the shuffling of nurses feet, which was normal. The checked up on us every _15 minutes._

Personally I think it's laziness, seeing at the amount of patients here and the size of the ward means they should be checking up on us every 5 minutes. A lot can happen in 15 minutes, a person could cut themselves with enough time to cover it up. (If I had anything to cut myself) But Forks hospital wouldn't get exactly a five star rating on anything.

But that's not what I'm going on about. One could also hook-up in that amount of time, a make out. That is if we waited until the checked my room for an exact 15 minutes.

"Carmen?" Seth's voice brought my attention back.

"Sorry, I just kind of zoned out." I apologized looking down. "Want to go to my room?"

"Sure." He beamed, slipping his hand in mine as we walked.

"Oh, um so what did you do today?" I wanted to slap myself at how lame I sounded. I needed to work on my conversational skills.

_Oh, you don't always sound lame? _The voice joked, did I mention how un-funny my inner voice was?

"To be honest, I woke up before coming here." He said sheepishly as we sat down on either bed.

We started talk about the longest we've ever stayed up. Mine was two days, I remember it kind of was enjoyable after a while of being awake for so long, you can't really feel any pain. You can hardly think enough to do anything. Although I didn't tell him all that.

"W-wait.. You've stayed awake for four days. Is that even possible?" I laughed, hugging my teddy bear. Ever since Seth gave it to me, I'd fall asleep with it.

He laughed, I had just realized what a laugh he had. A laugh that would make the most dreadful person laugh along.

The footsteps of the nurse walking by caught my attention again. As the last step faded away so did the world and I couldn't really concentrate on anything but the thought of having fifteen minutes alone with Seth at the moment was just so spectacular.

He was in the middle of talking, but all I could see was his perfect lips.

_What makes you think he'll kiss you back?_

Because he has kissed me back before, I thought smugly making the voice shut up.

I probably should have been a bit smoother about this, but I crushed my lips to his.

Whatever he was saying was drowned out and he kissed me back, placing his hands on either side of my face. I parted my lips just enough for his tongue to poke between them, as my heart raced up. My feelings weren't unrequited for once.

I tugged on his lower lip and his hands slid from my shoulders to my arms to both hands and he held the tight. He was already sitting on the bed, so I climbed on his lap, pushing him down gently. We shift a bit so it wouldn't be lips parted a bit more and our tongues twisted and tasted each other. He tasted like.. like cinnamon gum? What ever it was, it was nice and sweet.

Somehow he managed simply switch us over in one motion leaving my under him one of his hands on my left breast.

I never, repeat _NEVER_ had gone this far and this wasn't even sex. We were just making out and his hands…

Oh god, do you know how good it felt. Like his hand was sending little electric current into me making me feel all bubbly inside.

"Sorry" He removed his hand a second later talking the little electric bubbles with him.

"Don't be." I giggled, like I was high on his touch.

He smiled at me and he pecked my lips once more before we got back up in time for the nurse to peek into the room and walk off.

My stupid inner voice could take all the shit it said to me and shove it. I smiled smugly hearing nothing but my own thoughts in my head as I stared into Seths eyes. I wish I could have stopped time and stayed in this moment. Because it was perfect.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry it's so short. I'm having trouble writing at the momment. I'll try to update soon and next chapter should be important and longer._

_**Important- I will decided if I should continue Silent Love with a squel or not _after_ I finish this. Because I'm not sure what to do at the momment.***_


	7. Sharing Stories and Secrets

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**The characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. No part of this fiction may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the author's prior approval.**

* * *

"_I'm just as fucked up as they say  
I can't fake the daytime  
Found an entrance to escape into the dark  
Got false lights for the sun  
It's an artificial nocturne"_

_"Metirc- Artificial Nocturne."_

* * *

Chapter 7: Sharing Stories and Secrets.

Do you ever just sit here and think.

Wow my life sucks?

I try not to think about it but, my life really does suck.

_Yes. Yes, It does._

Shut up. I told myself. Why did my thoughts have to buzz around in my head like a bee's hive that had just been poked at with a stick. A very large painful stick.

The tears rolled down my cheeks, but I whipped them away hastily.

Think of Seth. Just think of Seth. I chanted in my head.

I didn't realize a whine escaped my lips and I dropped onto the bed until I felt the pillow against my face. It literally _hurts._ My thoughts _hurt _me. That's not okay. It should be this painful.

I'm nothing, a nobody. I could die right now and it would probably do a lot of people good. My parents wouldn't have to deal with me. My sister would be an only child for real and well, everyone else would get to throw a big party celebrating the death of Forks biggest loser.

"No…no..no.." I moaned into the pillow, the thoughts were picking viciously at my brain.

"Everything alright?" One of the nurses asked.

"Fucking dandy. You know, because everything is alright when your in this fucking place 24/7. When your fucking left here to rot. When you have nothing to fucking do, but listen to your own fucking thought. " I glared at her before slamming my head back into the pillow before crying.

"I'll notify your doctor and some meds" She shuffled off.

"Woop-de-fucking-do. Lets drug me up until I can't feel anything. You know because that's really solving the problem." I shrieked the last part before again slamming my head into the pillow.

"Carem..You okay?" A familiar voice said. Seth, oh god.

I felt extremely absurd as I snapped my head to look at the clock. It was already 12? Oh god, and I've been doing so well with the don't-let-him-know-you're-insane thing.

"I'm fine." I mumbled into the pillow, clutching to it with dear life. Don't cry. Don't cry. Not in front of Seth.

"Carmen, look at me. What's wrong?" He asked shaking my shoulder gently.

"Why do you even bother with me, Seth? "A little cry escaped my lips, but stopped it I continued. "You could have any girl you want." I sniffed.

"I want you." He said, and a little cry escaped my lips again before I snapped my mouth close.

_Shut up, you look pathetic._The voice chimed in my head.

"Is this some kind of joke. Look at me Seth!" I said shoving my sleeve up. "My parents don't even want to bother with me. My sister hides the fact I'm related to her."

"Carmen.." He said wrapping his arms around pulling me onto his lap." Stop it. You're beautiful and kind and .. Please don't cry. I hate to see you cry."

He said pulled my chin up so he could look at me. My bottom lips trembled. He rubbed my back as I leaned my head against him. He rocked me back and forth making me smile a bit.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I freaked out" I apologized feeling embarrassed and childish. I hiccupped, and he smiled a little.

"Don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong." He said, rocking me back and forth some more. I snuggled him as the little outburst had exhausted me.

He laid me down. "Take a nap; I'll be here when you wake up."

I shook my head pulling him beside me. "No.." I mumbled. "That would be rude of me." I tried to protest but his hand came up and stroked my hair making it impossible for me to stay awake. The little comforting bubbles rose in me as he stroked my hair.

"mmm.. that feels nice" I mumbled before slowly drifting off into a light sleep.

* * *

_Seth_

Carmen softly sighed beside me and nuzzled her little nose to my neck in her light sleep, which made me smile.

"Hmm I see these are not needed." The nurse said as she was holding a little cup with two pills in them.

I shook my head and laughed quietly looking down at my beautiful Carmen.

"You seem to be good for her. She's been more stable since you started visiting. "The nurse nodded before leaving taking the pills with her.

* * *

_Carmen_

I blinked my eyes open, smiling when I felt Seth still beside me. He didn't leave and that made my heart fill up with pure happiness.

"oh.. Sorry.. How long was I asleep?" I asked, snuggling into his side some more.

"Just about 15 minutes." He said, placing a kiss on my lips.

"Sorry, you should have woken me up or something." I said, he just sat here for 15 minutes.. Oh god, I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing in my sleep.

"You looked to cute sleeping." He smiled. Did he really mean that, or was he being sarcastic? Because I was the farthest thing from cute, especially when I was sleeping.

I half laughed and cringed a little.

"Btw I got you a little treat. Cause I know there your favorite." He smiled sheepishly and handed me a butterfinger.

Oh god, if I thought I loved this boy before, it was nothing compared to the love now. I laughed.

"Thank you." I said pecking him on the lips as I opened the chocolate bar. Sure this chocolate bar was like simply to get. If I wasn't stuck in this hospital with crappy food and suicide safe cutlery.

I snapped it in half and offered him some. But he shook his head and smiled. I ate the Butterfinger as we talked about our day. I never had anything to say about my day. It was the same every day. But I loved hearing about Seth and how his day was like. The things he planned on doing.

"Well what's your favorite thing to do?" I asked, throwing away my wrapper.

"Visit you of course." He smiled, placing his hand over mine. I hope he didn't kiss me; I still had some Butterfinger pieces in my teeth. I laughed, and squeezed his hand.

"My favorite part of the day is when you visit me." I admitted.

* * *

_Seth_

Her lips curved up into a little smile as she squeezed my hand gentle. "My favorite part of the day is when you visit me." She said shyly.

One sentence was all it took, she had me wrapped around her little finger. What ever she wanted I would gladly give it to her. She had my whole heart and soul.

"We should.. play a game.. maybe truth or dare." She said nervously.. "Except I don't think we should do dares. Which means we should.. ermm I don't know." She fidgeted nervously. I started to notice that she looked at me more. Even at times like this when she was rambling nervously.

"How about this, I'll tell you something like a secret or something you don't usually tell people and in return you a secret or something too. That's only if you want to."

I didn't want her to have to tell me anything. Even though the curiosity killed me sometimes.

She nodded.

* * *

_Carmen_

I nodded, this is what I'm supposed to do, start trusting a little more.

Right, okay calm down. I told myself. My hands were shaking a bit as I looked up into his warm brown eyes. Start out light. "One time when I was little I wanted a dog really badly. But my parents wouldn't let me get one. So I snuck into the neighbor's yard and brought their dog into my room and hid it for two days." I laughed.

He laughed along. "When I was little I used to dress up in my mom's clothes and make-up. Don't Laugh."

I held my lips together, but he could clearly see the amusement in my eyes.

"Okay. You can laugh, but it was my sister's fault. She told me, there was a thing as man-makeup." Seth half laughed.

I let out small little giggles.

"Once I was running, for gym class and well, my sister ordered the wrong P.E uniform shorts so mine were two sizes bigger. And I tied it with a hairband but when I was running. It broke and I fell to the floor." I half laughed unenthusiastically; they say you'll laugh about it someday. Well, today was not really that day yet. I couldn't truly laugh about that.

"One my friends set me up on a blind date." He said. "With a guy."

I giggled. "What did you do?"

"I told him he was a nice guy and all, but I wasn't that way. He actually is a friend of mine now" Seth played with a strand of my hair.

"Ummm.. One time.. I walked on my dad fucking this girl. In the butt. " I winced, my stomach turning remembering the images. I refused to let my emotions control me. This was really painful and awkward to say out loud.

His eyes went wide for a moment and then soften up to sympathize "Oh-" He was about to say but I put my hand over his mouth. I couldn't have him looking at me like that.

"He told me to get out or go to my room." The tears rolled down my cheeks again. "Then they continued fucking. He didn't even care that I was in the house and could hear all the disgusting things they were saying and doing."

I closed my eyes, and opened my mouth forcing out my words. "I told my mom, and you know what? She acted like I hadn't said anything. Like she couldn't hear me."

I dropped my hand, and let out a shaky breath. "There,that went better than I thought." I wipe my eyes with my sleeve trying to smile.

"Carmen, I-" He started to say but I cut him off again. Staring at my head instead of into his eyes now.

"No, I'm okay really. I just trust you, and it's like baby steps you know. Little by little." I said, buried my face in his chest. His warm breath caressing the top of my head, sending shivers down my spin.

"Thank you for trusting me." He whispered. "And I'm sorry about what happened, you deserve better than that."

"Why are you sorry, it's not your fault" I sniffed.

"I'm still sorry that it happened." He said, running his hand down my hair.

"I think we should stop playing this game." I suggested looking up at him. He kissed the tip of my nose and nodded.

"What do you want to play then?" He asked.

I shrugged, coming up with anything to cheer up. "How about a game of checkers?"

* * *

_Seth_

Carmen concentrated on the board in front of her. I thought it was absolutely the cutest thing when she played checkers. Her eyebrows would pull together as she focused and her perfect lower lips pouted unthinkingly.

Then when she jumped over one of my pieces a little smiled would always play around her lips. She was little competitive, even if I knew how to play this game well I'd still let her win to see the hidden excitement she always got when she won.

"Your letting me win now." She sighed, jumping over another one of my pieces still letting out a little smile.

"Nope, I'm genuinely bad at this game." I smiled, she sighed as I moved one of my pieces in front of hers, okay I _was_letting her win. Even if I did try to win, she was much better at this game.

"Okay… so you know that Gabe guy you punched." She said as she jumped over one of my pieces. No smile. Her lips were pressed in a tight line.

"Yes.." I said confused.

"So there was- Wait you have to play while I talk or I won't be able to get it out." She said, not looking at me, her eyes focused on the board.

I moved my pieces any direction. She shook her head and took her turn. "Okay well him and his friends made a bet. Um.. T-That he could get me in bed and then humiliate me in front of everyone. Erm- Seth it's your turn." She reminded me as I basically forgotten whatever else was going on besides what she was telling. I moved my piece in any direction.

"You can't move backwards." She rolled her eyes; I looked down and moved my piece in the opposite directions.

She looked around the board debating her next move. "Okay.. so well, apparently he could take being seen with me, so he got straight to the humiliation part since I refused to sleep with him. "

"That ass-" I started to say, but she shook her head. I realized it must be hard for her to say stuff like this out loud. So I shut up and she continued. But her little hand reach out and held mine, allowing me to stay and control my anger.

"Theres more, well the part where he tried to get me to have sex with him.. I noticed he was getting a little.. f- frisky when he was kissing me. His hands would roam, and then he completely shoved his hand into my p-pants and his fingers started.. " She shivered.

I gripped the table.

"I told him to stop, but he just kept saying thing like. 'Its okay.. I'll be gentle… it wont hurt.' went he tried to get my pants off"

My shaking got uncontrollable Carmen looked up for a second. "Hold on I'm not finished." Her eyes were rimmed with red.

"So I warned him, if he didn't leave I'd call the police. That if he stopped touching me, I wouldn't file a rape report. So he got up, slapped me, and left. Told the school I slept with him, nobody believed that I didn't." Her voice was strangled. Her hands were shaking. No- That was me, I was shaking so hard I wanted to rip the head off of this Gabe.

"I think, I have to go, and rip this guy's head off. " I said, standing up heading for the doors.

"What..wait.. Seth..No" She said running after me.

Some asshole touched my imprint, trying to take my imprint. She was so fragile, he slapped her. How could anyone hurt someone as beautiful?

Then I something slammed into my vibrating chest. "Seth don't go.. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to umm.. Just please don't leave." Carmen begged.

* * *

_Carmen_

I stood in front of him before he could make his way past the front desk where I wouldn't be allowed to leave, hoping I could somehow convincing him to stay. Did he really mean what said about ripping Gabe's head off? Was he really leaving here to beat the shit out of him? Jeeze, Seth Clearwater was my hero.

But as much as I would love for Gabe to get his ass kicked. I needed Seth to stay with me.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly; my feet were practically lifted of the ground. "You know I'd never do anything like that to you. I'd never hurt you, ever." He said seriously burying his face into my neck as he held me.

"I know," I said and I clung onto him. "I trust you, Seth"

Just like that. I completely trusted Seth Clearwater.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. Fuck, what can I say about this chapter? I had a horrible day and wrote away the pain. This chapter literally came from my heart. So, Hope you enjoyed it. & Please ignore any spelling mistakes. Thanks to everyone who is supporting this story. I've also started a new one called "The Magic of Forgiveness" Check it out if you want. It would mean a lot if you reviewed it. **


	8. Stupid Recovery Methods

_"And all of the ghouls come out to play  
And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself  
I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn"  
_

_Florence + the Machine - Shake It Out_

* * *

Chapter 8: Stupid Recovery Methods

I felt naked.

and transparent.

I felt like everyone was staring and they were judging.

I'm not sure if it's true, that everyone was staring, but I knew everyone was judging. The nurses are glancing at me and I could see it in their eyes.

Because today I was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt...

_"Carmen, there something I'd like you to try. I think it will help a lot." Dr. Davidson said, as he tapped his pen against the desk, nonchalant._

_I just sat there wondering what brilliant recovery method he was going to use this time._

_"Today you should wear a short sleeve shirt." He said, holding his pen to the paper waiting for my reaction._

_My eyes widen and I couldn't believe what he was saying. Sure, it was just a hospital but people are going to stare. Not once had I been here without something to cover my scars. Only few of the nurses had seen them when I had to be supervised shaving or something._

_"You're kidding, right?" I asked, cringing._

_He shook his head. "I'll have one of the nurses supervise you."_

I made my way to the cafeteria, twitching. This can't help me recover in anyway.

A soon as I got to the big metal doors I peeked from the door's window.

Hell no, I'll just have to go without eating. I thought as I rushed back to my room.

* * *

_Seth POV_

The automatic doors opened, and I never thought I would be so happy to be in a hospital because let's face it. Hospitals always meant bad news.

Embry hated this place. If it wasn't for Sophie then I don't think he'd even step foot in here after what happened.

The nurse smiled at me as I emptied my pockets. Embry growled, not to fond of nurses anymore. He didn't even want to let Sophie come back in here.

"Oh I'm sorry you can't take that in here. To many pieces, choking hazard. Suicide risk. " The nurse said looking at Sophie's game of LIFE.

"No, No that's okay Sheila. I'll supervise." The Doctor said then continued talking as we made our way down the hall.

"Now I'd like to go over something before you visit. This is kind of like a test. You have to show Carmen she can be completely comfortable around you guys. So keep the staring at a minimum please." The doctor said as we followed him and a nurse to Carmen's room._  
_

* * *

_Carmen POV_

_Knock- Knock._

_Knock- Knock._

_Knock-Knock-Knock-Knock_

"Who is it!?" I shrieked, rolling over onto my teddy bear. God, I hated when they woke you up like that. Just except you at some point to get out of bed if they knock long enough. Stupid Nurses. The doors didn't even lock, so they could come in anyways. Can't I just take a nap!?

"Carmen, you have a visitor." One of the nurses said enthusiastically. The door wooshed open and I sat up keeping the blankets over my arms.

"You sleep a lot." Seth's wonderful voice said as he walked in.

I wanted to comb through my hair, anything so I wouldn't have to sit here looking like the exorcist but if I moved my hands he'd see my hideous arms. It wasn't like Seth hadn't seen them before, I still didn't like showing them to him.

Seth bent down to kiss me and I smiled wanting to wrap my arms around him, but resisted. I got lost in the kiss, drifting away with the bubbly feeling he always gave me when we kissed.

"Good afternoon beautiful." He whispered on my lips, making my heart pound into my chest.

"Ahem." Another voice said and looked at the door to see Sophie awkwardly leaning across the door with a box in her hand. Her boyfriend, Embry's arm around her.

"Hey Sophie." I nodded. "Embry." I said and he smiled and waved at me. Another person to witness the scars? What is my doctor trying to make me want to cut the hell out of my arms? Great.

" I brought a board game. You know to give us something to do." Sophie explained holding up the box to show the game of LIFE.

_So now you can pretend to actually have a life. _The voice laughed.

Was this some kind of joke? I'm going to need my arms to play the game. I can't just stay under the covers forever.

"Cool." I said, then noticed Dr. Davidson was at the door. "Umm it there something wrong Dr. Davidson?" I asked, noticing he had a clipboard in his hand. Which meant he was taking notes and that was not a good sign. This was some kind of test.

"Nothing's wrong, carry on." He said simply and just stood there. I shifted awkwardly into Seths side holding the blankets over me still. He might have not noticed it, but I did. My doctor was observing me which meant he was looking for a change.

That could be a good thing and a bad thing. He could be checking to see if I'm acting crazier than I already am, or if I'm actually getting better which is probably not the case.

"Why don't we play?" Sophie asked setting the board on the bed, and I just might die because I don't really feel like getting stared at by everyone.

My inner voice just started to laugh. The piercing laugh rang in my head and made it hard to concentrate as the world seemed to grow hazy. Little parts of the room started to fade.

"Carmen? Are you okay? You're shaking." Seth pointed out his voice sounding like it was down the tunnel. I noticed then that I was shaking, I cringed into his chest.

Dr. Davidson came up to me and in that moment I hated him, like genuinely was pissed at him. I knew he was just doing his job, trying to make me recover. But not like this, I didn't want to have to face everyone with my scars showing.

The thoughts rolled through my head one by one. Each ending up with me sitting alone, and abandoned in this damn hospital. My stomach turned and my head hurt.

A light blinded my eye, making me gasp but someone held my chin up. It was Seth's I could tell because of how warm it was.

The doctors voice turning into buzzing, and the whole world seemed to wash away altogether as I fell back. Everything was black by the time my head hit the pillow.

"Carmen?" A charming voice said, as my eyes fluttered open.

My vision took a second to become clear but once it did I wish I could go back to the darkness of unconsciousness. The cool air pricked the skin of my arm and I knew I would have to deal with the fact that I had to wear short sleeves.

Sophie was at my other side with her hand on my shoulder reassuringly. Embry was at the end of the bed, looking a bit awkward but there were still traces of concern on his face.

I blew out a shaky breath as I glanced down, and sure enough my arms where exposed.

_Ugly Freak._The voice spat at me.

I felt as if they had stuck a big neon sign on my wrists or set them on display. It wasn't like anyone was looking at them oddly, except for Embry a little, but I could see him trying to not look which he was doing pretty good at.

"Carmen, How are you feeling." My doctor asked, with his clipboard in his hand.

I. Fucking. Hate. Him.

How the fuck does he think I'm feeling? I just had some sort of panic attack because he made me go through this little recovery test.

"Fucking dandy." I replied glaring at him.

Seth played with the ends of my hair, placing a kiss on my cheek. Just like that, my anger evaporated and I melted.

* * *

They weren't staring.

At least it didn't seem like they were staring.

"Carmen, it's your turn." Sophie said, as I spun the spinner. So far I was married with seven children. My kids kept falling out of my car though, so I wondered how many of the little kids were actually still alive in the car.

* * *

The visiting hours were ending. Sophie and Embry, left ten minutes ago. Seth stayed and to spend every second with me until they kicked him out. I smiled, and he gave me lots of little kisses.

"You" Kiss. "are." Kiss. "beautiful." Kiss.

I giggled like a little girl, blushing.

"Visiting hours are over." One of the nurses popped in.

Fucking Nurses.

"I'll" He kissed me on the lips. "See you" He placed a kiss on my forehead. " tomorrow." He placed a kiss on the tip of my nose before giving me another passionate kiss on my lips.

He got up and walked away leaving me breathless.

And for that little time. I forgot what I was worried about when I didn't have a long sleeves on.

* * *

"Carmen, someone's here to see you" One of the nurses, said.

At this time? Visiting hours ending like two hours ago?

The sound of a female talking to the nurse got closer. The clicking of heels sounded through the halls until the lady stopped at my room.

Then, everything was in slow motion, and my heart beat out of my chest as my sister walked in.

"Katie..?"

* * *

**A/N: Eeeep! Sorry it's so late, next chapter should be interesting. R&R. **


	9. Welcome Home, The Evil Voice Said

_"So soft, so suddenly  
So that I cannot breathe  
I'm drawn into a circle painted black  
Oh, I'm hanging high  
Oh, won't you let me down?  
Back where I started at  
You know I'm a little lost"_

_"Lykke Li- Hanging High"_

* * *

Chapter 9: Welcome Home, The Evil Voice Said.

_Then, everything was in slow motion, and my heart beat out of my chest as my sister walked in._

_"Katie..?"_

"Hello Carmen." She said, her voice didn't sound like hers. It sounded all scraggly as if she had just woken up or something. The look in her eyes made me think she hadn't got much sleep. Her brown hair had been reduced to the texture of well, my hair. She looked like me, like she had gone insane.

Her skin was still a rich creamy color, and she was wearing the same perfect makeup, clothes, and accessories. Her hair, even if it was a bit unhealthy looking, was styled like she usually did. She should look the same, but at the same time she didn't. It was like the fire in her eyes, and the excited smile that made her who she was, was gone.

The girl standing in front of me did not seem to be my sister. Katie was a spirit kind of girl, the ones that are all bouncy and happy. This girl, well she looked more like me, dreary, dull, and lifeless.

Her perfume was mixed with an odd scent. Only a few moments later did I realized she smelled like cigarettes. Which couldn't have been her, because her love for dancing never allowed her to smoke. Even her past boyfriend's weren't allowed to smoke around her.

"What the hell happened to you?" I asked. Blinking again to make sure I wasn't imagining this out of my own self-pity.

"Nothing." She shrugged, sitting down on the edge of the bed with a forced smile.

"Wait. Why are you here?" I wondered.

"The doctor said you were getting better." She said, but it didn't look like she was answering my question. It looked like she was stating it, because indeed I had even notice a few changes. The voice was quieter, my feeling were less outraged.

"Well, yea. But you never wanted to visit before this." I replied.

"I'm not visiting, Carmen. I'm here to pick you up." She said, fiddling with the ends of her hair.

The realization settled in accompanied with the feeling of fear. The whole test was to see if I was able to handle myself in the real world, out of this place.

But I couldn't. How could the doctor think that? As much as I hated this hospital it was like safety to me. These ugly painted walls were protection from all the bad things out there.

I shook my head and she raised an eyebrow. "I thought you'd be a little more… _enthusiastic._" Her voice sounded odd, as if I would have never known it came from her if I hadn't seen her mouth moving.

"Am I.. living with you?" I asked, because surely my perfect, well used to be perfect sister had something else to do then pick up her messed up sister.

She snorted, a very unattractive laugh for someone who used to never even burp in front of her family.

"I live with mom and dad again.." She said slowly, like the words burned its way out of her mouth, then she continued as if she was in physical pain. "They..They didn't want to help with my college fee's.. and I couldn't keep up work and classes and .. I wasn't able to get a loan..so I'm living with them for a bit." She almost looked as if she was choking on the words. Tears almost looked as if they were forming and wanting to fall but she held them back.

That was it. Katie had always talked about college. College this, college that. Start of her life, being on her own. Nobody had doubted her, when she gotten in to college everyone cheered applauded, the little of the family that actually cared. Which was about only her.

The thought of having everything you've worked for, ripped away. It was right in her hand, then to have our parents rip it away from her. Like a favorite toy being ripped away from a child.

But Katie wasn't a child she was a grown women, and the pain of having to move back in with those people must have broken her.

For the first time in my life, it seemed I felt a bit sorry for my sister. She wasn't perfect and she _was_human, just better as holding together. Everyone had their braking point though, and this was Katie's.

"Whatchu waiting for sis, start packing mom and dad signed the papers. Hurry." She said, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Mom.. and dad.. are here?" I asked, as I grabbed my bag from under the bed, which had dust covering it, from lack of use. After all I had been stuck here for months.

She nodded. Little dust particles flew every way as I patted my bag, and slipped my things into it.

"What's this?" Katie asked poking Mr. Cinnamon; don't ask why I named him that. It just reminded me of Seth, because he seems to always taste sweet like cinnamon, I don't know if it's his toothpaste or the gum he chews but I love it.

"A gift." I shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"It's cute," She said quietly, petting its big head softly as I hurried to pack everything. My parents' hated waiting, and I hoped that if I was out quickly it would save me from a welcome back argument.

"Okay, I'm finished" I said, slinging the bag over my shoulder and grabbing Mr. Cinnamon.

Would Seth visit me? I could leave him my address; I nodded pulling out a marker that I had accidently left in my room one day.

"Do you have a paper?" I asked, and Katie shuffled through her purse.

She pulled out a little receipt "This is all I got." She handed it to me.

I scribbled down nervously.  
_  
Here's my address and home # if you want it. Call after 7am or before 3 pm, If you want to._

_555-8357_

I finished the note by scribbling what I remembered to be my addressed and flipped it over to see what my sister had bought.

I blushed when I realized I would have to give the note to Seth on a receipt for.

_Condoms._

_Pack of Cigarettes_

_2 Arizona Iced tea's._

_and a heresy bar._

"Let's go." She said, and got up. I silently followed my sister clutching onto Mr. Cinnamon, listening to the click of her heels. Each click brought me closer to my torture.

The receptionist nurse smiled at me; now that I was leaving I wish I had taken the time to appreciate the overly annoying nurses.

"If Seth comes around can you leave give him this? And on the note side please." I asked, hoping she wouldn't hand it to him on the wrong side and think I was a freak.

The nurse nodded and smiled, placing the note on the desk.

"Carmen." My doctor said, boy if I thought I was mad at him this afternoon then I didn't know what made was. Until Now.

"Dr. Davidson.." I glared.

"I know you're scared of change, but I really think you are ready to go back to your normal life. Things will be better, you'll see."

There were no words when you get to a level of angry that I was at. The only thing you can actually manage is a death stare and hope that a piano falls on the persons head or the person gets attacked by a bunch of killer bees.

_psychopathic much?_The voice laughed, cooing at the fact that I would be returning to the hell that made it as strong as it had gotten.

My sister dragged me off by hand and whisked me away. Automatic doors opened letting the air run through my hair, breathing in the fresh air wasn't doing me any good. I felt sick, as I saw the familiar car parked in the lot.

Katie slipped into the back seat with me, as I got a glimpse of my parents.

They looked just the same.

Which wasn't a good thing.

"How are you honey." My mother's voice said, pretending to care. My father grunted in what sounded to be disgust and my mother turned on the radio before I answered.

Which was the only time I considered speaking

The rest of the ride was in silence. Katie didn't speak, my mother didn't speak, my father only sounded disgusted, and me and Mr. Cinnamon sat in our silence.

I hugged the overly sized teddy, and let my tears fall onto its fur as we pulled up to the house.

The house looked the same too, like time had been frozen in all the months I spent at the hospital. The whole world seemed to move on except my life.

The little shitty house was still shitty.

I grabbed my bag as we walked into the house, my mother heading straight to the couch, my sister pulling out a cigarette, which I guessed now she was the one who had taken up smoking.

The whole house smelled like tabaco and sex. It wasn't even like it was used for living.

The fan wasn't even fixed in my room.

There was a big hole in the middle of my ceiling with little parts of the wall paint and plaster spreader out on the floor. My room hadn't been touched; to an extent I think they didn't know it was a room in the house anymore.

The sound of the car starting could be heard from my window and I watched my father drive of somewhere.

Nothing had changed.

Nothing had gotten better.

Not even a little.

And I was prisoner again.

_Welcome home._ The voice laughed.

* * *

_A/N: **R & R**. (Let me know if you see a name mix-up) Posted extra early for the guest reviewer Brooke. :) xx_


	10. My Little Escape

"Cause I'm holding on, so I give it up  
Cheer up, cheer up, put a smile on your face  
Wake up, wake up, take me out of this place  
Rise up, rise up, we are the human race"

"AZEDIA - Something"

* * *

Chapter 10: My Little Escape

I was scared.

The pain in my chest was taking over, and it just stayed there as my thoughts got worse and worse. As the voice told me things I didn't want to here.

The pain started to make it hard to breathe right. I knew there wasn't anything actually there, that this pain was all emotional. I just had to keep telling myself that or I would surely believe all this was physical pain.

With all those months of not cutting I thought this would be easy. But it wasn't because I was so close.

When I say so close I mean the blade was in hands. Slightly pressed to my ugly skin.

I looked at it; this small little blade was all it took.

_A little cut, just one. Nobody would notice. _The voice edged.

Nobody would notice, nobody would notice.

But Seth might, and he would be disappointed.

_Cut yourself._

No.

_Bleed out all your emotions._

No.

The tears streamed down my face as I looked into the mirror. The point of being in a hospital is to make you better? So why do I feel the same. The same urges as always, the same pain in my chest.

I set the razor blade down, telling myself it was for good but I couldn't bring myself to actually throw the thing out.

A ring of the phone had me jumping and gasping for air as the surprise shot another kind of pain in my chest.

I jumped to get the phone, and heard the voice I was waiting to hear all day.

"Hello?" His voice said. It wasn't angry, it was worried. Seths voice to could make me melt.

"Hey." I smiled, the simple hello had me feeling better already.

"Are you okay?" He asked franticly.

"Yea, I'm fine." I said, it was not completely true. But Seth was talking to me, so maybe I could clear my head a little bit.

"Do you want me to pick you up?" Was all he said.

"How soon can you be here?" I said, the wind snapped my door shut making me panic. I did not want to be caught on the phone. Surely my crazy family would be enough to make him realize that I wasn't worth it.

"What's wrong?" He asked, "I'm coming over there now!" I could hear him running on the other line.

"I'm fine, Seth. How fast can you get here? " I asked again, my mother would be asleep for the next few hours for sure. But my sister might be a problem. Fuck it, I'll face them when I come back.

"five minutes." He said sternly and serious. Not Seth's usual attitude.

"Okay. I'll see you then." I said and hung up. I wonder how he expects to get to forks in less than 10 minutes? It's at least a fifteen minute drive.

I found myself smiling, just thinking about Seth. I'd get to see him today!

"What are you all giggly about?" My mother groaned, walking out of her bedroom. She smelled like alcohol and puke. Not so attractive, her hair looked like it was a wild nest as it poked out in every which way. She looked ten times older than when I left.

"Nothing just happy to be back home." I lied, such a false lie. She would have never believed it in a million years. But my mother was the Queen of Lies. As long as it made our family sound normal she was happy to hear it.

"That's good" She smiled a little bit, obviously faking it. Her motto pretend everything was perfect even if always isn't. She grabbed the carton of milk and went back into the cave she called her bedroom.

I shoved on my clothes in record time and made my way out of the door. I didn't want Seth to knock and alert anyone in the house that I was leaving.

Seth was walking down the sidewalk seconds later, look like he was going to have panic attack. He smiled once he got closer and saw me standing on the cruddy porch. The sun was still up, and on the outside it looked like a beautiful day in Forks because we hardly got much sun.

He engulfed me in his warm arms and I smiled into his chest. Some little paper brushed against the tip of my head and I looked up to see it was his tag. He was wearing his shirt backwards.

I giggled, "You got dressed in a hurry." I noted, tugging at the tag.

He nodded. "I was so worried, how are you feeling?" He asked, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, placing a kiss on my cheek.

"Better, now." I smiled, hugging him tighter. "I think we should go somewhere away from my house."

"Okay" He said. I was glad he didn't question my statement. He got up, lifting his shirt over his head. Before could ask what he was doing I remembered he was fixing his shirt.

I was damn glad that he decided to fix the shirt. But was a little disappointed when he put it back on.

Because he had such a great body that should never have a shirt covering it.

I blushed tearing my eyes away from his perfect body. What does this boy see in me? I'm nothing, not even close to perfect. And here he is looking sexier than ever.

"Okay let's go for a walk." He said holding out his hand for me. I slipped mine into his and our fingers interlaced.

As we walked forward, we came across a trail. Of course there were so many in forks. The little dirt path that cut in between tree's had always been my escape when I was little. Most of my life I had snuck out to walk out here just to get some time to myself.

"Let's go through here." I said, pulling him along the path. It wasn't a long walk from where I used to hang out.

We didn't talk, for some reason it seemed like we just needed the silence, just to be together. It was relaxing. Words would have interrupted the moment. Every step took me farther and farther away from my hell house.

The sound of rushing waters made me smile. I could hear the littler steam was up ahead.

The place looked exactly like I thought it would, like it used to. With everything that hadn't change, my little escape hadn't either.

I looked at Seth and gave me a smile, squeezing me hand.

"You look tired." He noted, lifting his free hand to trace the circles under my eyes.

"I always look tired" I said with a shrug, my hand twitched wanting to touch his face just like he had mine. But I always got the minute feeling of being rejected. Because nothing could hurt worse than Seths rejection.

As if he read my mind, he grabbed my hand and placed a kiss on my palm. My arms slipped around him and I hugged him tighter than I ever had hugged anyone before. Seth was like my lifeline. I needed him to survive. Which was not a good thing, but it felt lovely.

"You're so beautiful, Carmen." He whispered, placing a kiss on my lips before I could respond. Those few words made me all happy and jumpy on the inside. Making the good feelings spread throughout me. Like some kind of drug. _Seth_was my drug.

He kissed me a bit more passionately than he had before. His lips had more of a hunger to them and mine were just a hungry for contact. The little electric bubbles of pleasure came back just like that always too and it was like my heart had filled up with this marshmallowy happiness. I was so content; I couldn't even describe it to myself.

I was pressed between a hard wall, which was the tree I guessed and Seths warm body. As he kissed me my hands explored his perfect body, tracing over his toned arms and 6 pack. It was odd, he must have to work out a lot to be in the shape he was. Because none of the guys our age looked like Seth did.

Little rays of sunshine that escaped the forest branches and forks clouds shone down making everything looked magical. Seth lifted me up easily, and I clung to him wrapping my legs around him.

I was very aware of how close we were. Every line of our bodies pressed together.

Acting on instinct, I shifted my hips a bit creating some friction between both of our sensitive areas. A twinge of fear ran through me, I knew Seth wouldn't reject me but had I took this too far? Was he repulsed by me?

He groaned and I took that as a good thing, he held me with one hand and pressed me to the trunk of the tree tighter for support. His hand slipping between our pressed bodies and under my shirt, resting on my stomach. The simple touch gave me a shiver of pleasure.

We continued to kiss as his hand slipped up closer and closer to my chest. I didn't protest, I didn't have it in me. I wanted him to do this.

His hands moved to the back of my bra instead of front, he pulled back and looked at me in the eyes, make a wet sensation start in my panties.

I realized he was asking for permission to un-hook my bra, and I nodded awkwardly and hastily. My breathing hitching up as I felt the little hooks being undone and my bra go loose.

"Look at me, beautiful." He whispered as his hands crept back up, under my bra. He cupped my breast, and he let his thumb rub over my nipple. Making me inhale surprised and pleased.

I met his gaze again, holding back and embarrassing sound that would have escaped. It felt so good what he was doing.

He set me down, and my legs felt like jelly.

He slipped my shirt over my head, and I shivered as the wind hit my bare skin. I wrapped my arms around him, so he wouldn't have to see my scars. I tugged his shirt up from the back, and he smile helping me remove the stupid shirt throwing it aside.

We were both shirtless. And that's when a bit of reality kicked in.

A fear ran through me as I realized I could be in the same situation as I was when Gabe tried to touch me. After all he had been with me for a bet. What if Seth was doing the same thing? The air seemed to come in and out of my lungs much faster than comfortable and the same pain started in my chest as earlier. I backed up a bit. _Seth was good, remember that_. I told myself. But the fear was to painful.

"Relax Carmen." Seth said coming closer slowly. I didn't move, he let his hand trail up and down the skin on my arm. "We won't take it far, whenever you want me to stop tell me and I'll stop."

"If I told you to s-stop now.." I asked.

He stepped back grabbing his shirt. "Then I'd stop. I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to."

I nodded stepping closer, grabbing the shirt out of his hand and setting it aside. "I don't want you to stop."

He smiled, crushing his lips to mind once more. He pulled back and placed soft kisses down my neck. His hands, as if they were touching a delicate feather light trialed across my skin, leaving little patterns of pleasure as they made their way to my chest. He cupped my breast again this time holding it until his lips trialed past my collar bone.

He bent down as his kisses got lower and lower, and then he softly brushed his lips across my nipple. It was like a little taste of heaven, as his tongue ran over my perked tips. Switching back and forth with each one. The sounds I made came naturally but made a bush creep over my cheeks.

As he sucked and nipped my breathing increased. I slid my hands through his hair. The pleasure made my knees go weak, and he pulled me down until I was sitting on his lap.

He pushed me down gently on the ground, I was too far gone to worry about the forest floor being to damp for my liking. He was making me go crazy as he sucked on them, like nothing I've ever felt before and we haven't even gotten our pants of yet.

Oh god, I'm not thinking straight.

But this feels too good to stop.

His lips started to make their way down my stomach -

"What the hell is going on here?" A voice I rather not hear, yelled

Seth jumped as did I. His hand went up protectively around me trying to shield me with his body.

"God, Katie. A little privacy please!" I glared at my sister, my whole face going red as I looked around for my shirt.

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**A/N: I know! it's so late. :S I'm sorry, I just had so much things to do, and my other story had a long chapter I had to proof read it.**

**I will try to update sooner next time but I can't really be sure. Might be a week or something.**

**If you have any suggestions or idea's, message me. :)**

& Thank you all who support my stories. I love you guys. 


	11. please read

sorry to say this but it will be a while before i update.

i have had to move and we still didn't get anything set up. I'm currently at a internet cafee

So it might be a week or two.

thank you to the guest reviewers that are eager to read more of my story.

Love you all xx


	12. A Zombie Family

_"Bones, blood and teeth erode  
They will be crashing low  
Wings wouldn't help you  
Wings wouldn't help you down  
Down towards the ground  
Gravity smiled  
You barely are blinking  
Wagging your face around"  
"Roslyn- Bon Iver"_

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Chapter 12: A Zombie Family

It was like I was in a cage. A very small cage. One that kept getting smaller with every breath, making it hard to breath. The open space and smell of tree was proof I wasn't in any prison cell, but it sure as hell felt like I was still in this stupid little enclosure of mine.

Katie stared at Seth with a small smile, nothing too important. Just a little smile that reflected the old perfect smile she used to have, but now it was twisted with agony. She was just yelling, but now she spoke in a softer tone. "Well, explain."

"The.. I.." The cage was getting dangerously encircling. It made it hard for me to just get any words out. The twitch in my hand brought self-harming thoughts into my mind.

Looking back and forth between Seth and Katie, I felt very scared. Because Seth was the happy part of my life, the fun and normal part. Katie was on the opposite end, part of my screwed up family life. The two parts should never meet, it just wasn't right.

"I'm Seth." He held his hand out, smiling as if he nothing was wrong with this situation. Little trembles of fright ran through my body, like being shocked with anxiety.

"Katie." She mumbled looking away, Seth dropped his hand awkwardly.

"We were just…" Seth started to explain but was cut off by Katies scratchy voice.

"Fucking? Humping? Banging?" She shot glancing between me and him.

"Uhh.. W-"

"Listen here, she doesn't want to be used by some prick, so I suggest you leave before I call the police." She threated glaring at Seth.

Seth's expression turned into a hard glare, worse than hers as the words came out of Katies mouth. Seth had a look on his face that I had only seen once.

When he beat the shit out of Gabe.

Before Seth could say anything, I grabbed his hands. Not that he had them raised, I was just afraid that this temper he rarely had would make him do things without thinking.

The weird shaking stopped and he squeezed my hand, his eyes came down and met mine. The little shocks of anxiety were now shocks of warmth.

And that little gesture made Katie a crazy woman.

"Get you're hands off of her. You fucking manwhore." She clawed at him, but did not succeed. He didn't even step back, as if he was a statue and she was only doing damage to herself by trying to hurt him.

I through myself in between them, holding most of Katie's frantic lashes. It was weird being able to hold her back, I was nowhere near as athletic as her, yet she seemed to have weakened greatly.

"Seth… Just.. I'll see you tomorrow." I looked at him, not really sure of what to do. But I was sure some time would allow me to figure that out.

"Are-" I cut him off with a harsh nod. Katie stopped struggling, as Seth walked farther away. He glance back every few steps and I assured him I was alright with a nod, before he left completely.

Katie was crying and thrashing in my arms.

I wanted to speak, ask her if she needed some time in the hospital. Make a joke, or a comment. But the look on her face shut me up, she looked.

Dead. Lifeless. She finally looked like the sister of Crazy Carmen.

She slid too her knee's not bothering that the mossy ground would ruin her clothes. Tears streaked down her cheeks like little rivers.

She didn't move.

I waited there for about five minutes, as she silently cried. Unsure of how to handle this, my perfect sister had never looked so.. unperfect.

Slowly and cautiously I reached out and poked her shoulder.

Her whole silent crying episode turned into a full on sob fest.

I've never seen her cry so hard and it was actually disturbing to watch, and I didn't like it. Sure I've always wanted to see my sister less picture-perfect but I never wanted her to be like that.

I wrapped my arms around her, "D-Don't cry." I said unsure of how to actually comfort her. "It's going to be alright." I could only use the words that everyone says.

"N-n-no it's not, I'm stuck here, I'll never get out of this hell" Her sobs made it hard to here exactly what she was saying, but I got the message.

"You can always runaway?" My voice was squeaky with awkwardness, I had never really had an emotional talk with my sister, and I guess this was as far as it goes.

She wiped her tears stood up and walked off, leaving me alone for the time being. I wondered if she would tell mom and dad. I wondered what they would do, not care or pretend to care.

All I knew that nothing good would come out of it.

I sighed, got up and shook the forest dirt off my jeans. I caught up to Katie, keeping my eyes locked on her, looking at every little movement she made. I got nervous as we approached the door, thanking god my dad wasn't home yet.

She seemed dazed and unaware. Like her pain had numbed her like it did to me for so many years.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, not wanting to wait to find out.

She didn't answer and simply walked into the kitchen. My heart calmed as she walked past my mom without a word. Sounds of the T.V. filled the house, because other than that nobody talked.

Now that I think of it, we hardly talked.

We were kind of lifeless, like watching a movie in slow motion. We slugged and swayed around doing nothing important, nothing productive.

Katie pulled a cigarette out of her pack and lit it filling the house with more tobacco smelling aroma.

Who was I kidding, I wasn't important enough.

Why would Katie even try to get me in trouble? Kids only got in trouble if the parents cared. Which my obviously didn't. The months I was gone seemed to not even phase anyone. I could runaway and nobody would notice.

I could disappear and my family would not have clue, nor try to look too me.

"I'm going to a strip club" I whispered.

No response. Maybe they didn't hear.

"Mom?" I asked.

"Yes?" She turned around.

"Can I get drunk?" I asked hesitatingly.

"No." She replied zombie-like.

"Well, I have a boyfriend can I go to his house?" I asked.

"Sure" She turned away from me. "Bring him over sometime"

"I've had sex with him." I lied, scrutinizing her every response.

"Just be careful." She didn't face me as I rolled my eyes. Katie was too far gone to even listen to our conversation.

"I'm leaving." I stated.

"Okay sweety." She hummed a song.

"I might not come back though." I warned her, hating how dead everyone was.

"Sure, Sure. You're dad will be home in a while." She stated as if we were having a conversation about the weather.

"Bye?" I said, just walking out the door.

It's gotten bad, they don't even give a shit about what happens anymore. I could be doing anything and it wouldn't even get their attention.

"Don't runaway!" I heard Katie shout before I closed the door.

I had to find Seth.

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**A/N: I've started school so that's why I haven't been able to update in while. (School gives me alot of writers block) Hope you all stay with me and this story. I'll try to update every three weeks or less. Thank you all xx**


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